“We’re going to get an up-close-and-personal view of his CROTCH?” Mom asked.
I'd just told her we'd be sitting front and center at Intoxicating Artist's concert. Literally. Row 1, seat 1, IN THE PIT.
“Yes, Mom," I said. (And if we’re lucky, he’ll spit or sweat on us, too! I thought.)
I dropped $130 for an evening of holiday gospel and Lutheran folk music as birthday presents for my mom and step-dad...and, ok, I had a teeny-tiny ulterior motive: I needed wing people. It wasn’t like I was going to show up at Intoxicating Artist's concert ALONE! Especially since the Intoxicating Artist infatuation has become mostly one-sided (he’s proven more IM than action), I would have looked like a total GROUPIE!
Then a kink in the plans popped up in the form of my step-dad’s deer hunting trip. Mom asked if I had anyone who could use the extra ticket. Well, jeez, I have a laundry list of men I wouldn’t mind sidling up beside in the dark over Christmas themed music, but would any of them accept my invite? Probably not.
So I put a passive-aggressive teaser on Facebook offering the ticket to anyone “hot enough to be my date but cool enough to sit a seat away from my mom.” (Clever, eh? Mom thought it was hilarious.)
No response, so I bumped it up a notch.
“Saturday. 7 p.m. Pantages Theater. I WANT YOU.”
Still no takers; just a “be careful what you wish for” comment from a (male) Facebook friend. “Bring it on!” I replied. I can’t imagine any wish of mine coming true and being WORSE than the sexual depravity I’m living in now.
Then another kink surfaced: I LOST the tickets. I remembered holding the envelope in my hand at some point...so what did I do with them? It’s anybody’s guess. I probably hid them so I wouldn’t lose them. Was THAT a sign that I wasn't supposed to go?
I decided to give Ticketmaster’s customer service a try before abandoning the plan. They said they’d have new tickets waiting at Will Call. (Now THAT’S a sign I like! I hope Intoxicating Artist WILL CALL soon!)
Then I had a dream. It was like a French film, all watery and vague and slightly dissatisfying at the end. In it was Intoxicating Artist’s brother (this is the one who asked for my strawberry coconut cake recipe, then unfriended me) who announced that he was getting divorced. While everyone else was devastated, I rejoiced.
“Once one brother takes the plunge, the next is sure to follow!” I cheered. The next thing I remember, I was bleeding from the head. (I’m not sure how that all plays into this. Interpretations welcome.) Then I woke up, head in-tact. Phew.
I’ve been waiting to post lyrics from one of my new song obsessions on Facebook and this was my opportunity: “Last night you were in my dreams/all heart and bones.” That’s The Pines. Now, for my own two lines: “Make my dream reality/Pantages tomorrow.” (That rhymes, doesn’t it?)
Will he pony up? Unlikely. I’m sure his wife is in town. In fact, with my prime seating assignment, I bet I’ll be rubbing elbows with her! Ho, ho, ho! Things could get ugly at the so-called holy concert!
In the meantime, what to wear? Should I go with the trench coat and garter belt combo? The mini-skirt and fuck-me heels? Holey jeans and lacy tank? Which outfit will hold up better in a cat fight? Decisions, decisions.
This just in: my step-dad has reclaimed his ticket; however, if you’re brave, and male, show up anyway. You know when and where (especially if Intoxicating Artist is your Facebook friend, too!). If you’re a stud, we can skip the concert and go make our own holiday cheer instead. (Are you there, Puck? It’s me, Speedy…)
For those of you who aren’t going to the concert (or just aren’t hot enough to garner the slump buster title), bake a cake and binge on my behalf instead!
This is the recipe that first lured Intoxicating Artist’s brood into my clutches (insert sinister cackle here). Unfortunately, after the cake, it’s been mostly downhill. Though going down isn’t always bad…or it is, in the best of ways…
A report from the pit in my next post…
Here’s hoping there’s a crotch involved!
Eat heavenly, live sinfully. Enjoy!
A LITTLE SLICE OF HEAVEN
INGREDIENTS
For the cake:
1 box Duncan Hines classic white cake mix
1 ¼ cup water
¼ cup strawberry flavored applesauce
3 large egg whites
For the frosting:
4 oz. fat free cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup fat-free milk
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1 tub (8 oz.) fat-free Cool Whip, thawed
2 cups sweetened coconut flakes
For the garnish:
16 ounces (1 pound) strawberries, sliced
¼ cup shredded coconut flakes
1/3 cup sliced almonds
METHOD
• Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
• Grease two round 8 or 9-inch pans with cooking spray.
• Combine all cake ingredients in large bowl.
• Beat with electric mixer on medium speed for one minute.
• Bake for 25-30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
• Remove pans from oven; cool.
• Meanwhile, prepare frosting by combining cream cheese and powdered sugar in medium bowl.
• Beat by hand with wire whisk until creamy.
• Add milk and almond extract; stir with spoon until well incorporated.
• Fold in coconut and Cool Whip.
• Refrigerate frosting at least 10 minutes for easier spreading.
• Remove one round cake from pan and place on serving plate.
• Frost first cake.
• Remove second cake from pan and place second cake on top of first cake.
• Frost completely.
• Garnish with strawberries, coconut, and sliced almonds.
• Slice, serve, and share--but don't you dare unfriend me!
