The name of the game is waiting.
Err…I meant dating.
Fuck it. Same difference.
Anyone who says dating is not a game is lying. Everyone walks on eggshells around the opposite sex. There are unspoken rules what should and should not be revealed, and when. Women are at a disadvantage because what they strive for (monogamy) is a much loftier goal than what men strive for (orgasm). And the one who wants it less is always in the power position.
I write this not as passive aggressive jab to those who have kept me in limbo (which would apply to 99% of my suitors), but as an informative heads-up for those of you who want to procure positive relationships with the opposite sex.
A question for the men: Do you know what a woman goes through to get ready for a date?
I didn’t think so. Allow me to enlighten you. A date, if she cares about you at all, involves serious primp & prep time. This includes body washing, hair removal, makeup application, blow-drying, flat-ironing, mani-pedi-ing, lingerie selection, cellulite inspection, and the minimum audition of five outfits (All of which make her look fat.).
If the hook-up is at her house, there’s tidying up to do (we know you won’t notice, but we will, and if we believe our house is filthy, we won’t be able to relax.) If you’re dating a single mom, there’s babysitting and subsequent spawn shuttling to arrange. In sum, it’s a lot of fucking work.
I know what you guys do to get ready. You shower (sometimes not even that) and brush your teeth. Totally unfair.
This is why women like advanced noticed re: date, time, and activity of the next get-together. I understand the possession of a Y chromosome means you don’t pay attention to such details. You fly by the seat of your pants. (How fun for you.)
Do I sound bitter? I’m not. I hate the GAME, not the players. In fact, I love the players. It’s why the waiting is so fucking excruciating. “Playing it cool” translates as “uninterested asshole” in Venus speak. In Martian that means “nobody gets laid”.
The easy way to avoid resentment is this: at the end of the date, schedule the next one! Yes, all three aspects: date/time/activity. Do you think I’m being demanding? You might be right…or I may be doing YOU a huge favor.
This is what happens when a woman is kept waiting:
1) As time passes, chocolate consumption increases exponentially. (If you girlfriend is fat, it’s mostly your fault, fellas. Spend more time with her and I promise she’ll stop popping those Dove Promises like Percocet.)
2) She puts on her sweatpants (see #1) and granny panties and gets so comfy she wonders why she ever bought those tight low rider jeans and thong panties in the first place.
3) She watches “Three and a Half Men”, “Boston Legal”, or “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, hoping to catch a laugh. Instead, she gathers more evidence that all men are sex fiends, commitment phobes, and/or workaholics.
4) She starts on a project (i.e. blogging, baking, Facebook flirting) to distract herself, then doesn’t want to stop.
5) Offers with uninteresting, but available, men begin to look more appealing.
6) She gets horny and retreats to bed with the vibrator (the most energy efficient way to have an orgasm).
7) She gets tired (Bye Bye BJ!).
8) Her imagination runs away with her—either dragging her directly to the gutter (you’re out getting plastered and enjoying lap dances by someone a zillion times sexier than she), or whisking her off to fantasy land (maybe he’s planning a romantic getaway during which he’ll pop the question!)
After she’s bathed and beautified herself; she’s blogged and baked and eaten all the chocolate she can; after she’s checked Facebook for the thousandth time (and wondered why everyone ELSE is out there having fun!), the mind-spinning will stop. Then, she’ll be so pissed off at an argument she HASN’T EVEN HAD with you yet that she’s ready to call it a night and retire solo to her arctic bed just to preserve a smidgen of pride!
Men, consider this your warning if you ever want to get into her pants again: women should be prevented from stream-of-consciousness thought as much as possible, especially in the early stages of dating. Keep it fun, keep it light. Surprise, impress, delight. But do NOT let a love interest sit at home, alone, wondering. NOTHING she will conjure up in her pretty little mind will be beneficial to your relationship. The female brain is NOT your friend, fellas!
And when she forfeits, the only game you players will have is solitaire.
Phew. Off my bitchy soap box now and into a candlelit bath. My phone may begin ringing anytime now…
Comments
Women are the ones with the power, not men.
If women stopped letting men treat them poorly, that is, stopped handing it out to whoever buys them a couple drinks first, men would not be able to fuck and run. If, as you seem to believe, sex is your best bargaining chip, then wait for a guy to prove himself worth a damn before handing it out!