When Slump Buster left on his trip last week, I silently hatched a plan (no promises, not even to myself!) to ban all sugary substances from my diet for the duration of his absence. The goal: one week of completely clean eating. Dietary detox, if you will.
Go ahead, laugh your asses off. I made it about three hours before the M & M’s seduced me with their siren song from the their hideout in the top cupboard. I suppose my “plan” was really a recipe for failure, because what fucking nutcase prohibits sweets on Valentine’s Day weekend—especially if said nutcase is spending the holiday sans man candy?
Seeing as I survived 14 nookie-free months, 7 days should’ve been a mere blip on the sexual deprivation radar. And yet. I was restless. And stressed. My shoulders would not detach from my earlobes. I was horny as hell; literally soaking through my lingerie. It was not a pretty sight.
Normally, I’d run myself silly to rid myself of that pent-up energy, but an angry ankle wouldn’t let me. Suffering from endorphin deficit, I turned to my old faithful: sugar. Comfort me with…everything. There were thumbprint cookies one night, frosted brownies another, s’mores on Saturday, and, ohhhhhhhh, peanut butter bars (Didn’t you see the pix of those on Facebook? Oh, right, maybe because they were so good, I devoured them before I had a chance to photograph them. Better luck next time.)
Thank God Slump Buster is back or a muffin top would soon obscure my muffin! In honor of his return, I was going to make a batch of much sought-after red velvet cupcakes, but when I could barely wiggle into my jeans, I decided on whole-wheat blueberry muffins instead. I know, I know. BOR-ING, right?
I made the muffin batter per Betty Crocker’s instructions before reading the recipe’s reviews--where seven bakers posted that the formula lacked “something”. Not one Betty wannabe could put a finger on it. (Which you should never do with your woman’s muffin top, BTW. Muffin, yes. Muffin top, no.)
Leave it Man Eater to put the “ho” in a ho-hum recipe. I added a teaspoon of cinnamon, a handful of walnuts, and sought out raw sugar for sprinkling. I also ditched the paper liners. I hate those; they're like paper diapers for pastries! Is there anything more frustrating than delicately pulling the liner off? How much muffin is wasted if you don’t peel just so? GRR. Anything that slows down the eating process should be eliminated, especially at breakfast when I’m ravenous (and if it’s a morning after, multiply that urgency to the Nth degree).
So. None of that ridiculousness. I made muffin TOPS instead.
I should have invented the muffin top pan. I like the crusty tops of bread products. I recently recounted to Slump Buster how I sliced the entire outer layer from a loaf of banana bread...and ate that part, and only that part, then threw the rest of the loaf away. (Don’t give me that look, readers!) I eat a lot of foods in that fashion. Think I'm a freak? I say I know what I want and I won’t settle. I don’t eat something just because it’s there! (Exception: my recent marshmallow binge. I still don’t know what that’s about...)
Anyway, with my recipe tweaks, the muffin tops were a delicious success. Still…I couldn’t help thinking that Slump Buster, despite his “You’re going to make me fat!” complaint the last time I brought him goodies, really wanted those red velvet cupcakes. So I whipped up a dozen, plus a heart-shaped cake (too much batter, only one cupcake pan).
As I do with everything I make, I taste-tested. This wasn’t my first time eating red velvet cake (been there, done that, read about it here )but surprise, surprise. Seriously. I WASN’T crazy about 'em. I didn’t even finish a full cupcake. (Just the top layer. Read: frosting.)
I remember enjoying red velvet the last time I ate it; what was different now? I perused the photographs of the red velvet cake from the past. Ah-ha! I’d devoured the dessert only after it had been doused in cherry pie filling (which is so sugary, it drowns out any other flavor. The cake, in that case, acts as a binding agent.)
Red velvet is not a Man Eater aphrodisiac. Given the choice between whole wheat muffin tops and the cupcakes, I’m going with the muffin tops. They taste just as sweet, sans the guilty aftertaste.
Here’s my beef with Red Velvet cupcakes: They look so incredibly sexy that when I open my mouth, I expect luscious, decadent, moist, cake-eating ecstasy. Then I take a bite and…um…they’re good…I guess. I mean, they taste better than, say, a mouthful of radishes, but I keep waiting for the flavor to improve. Red velvet is kind of…bitter. Or is it that acidic tang due to the artificial food coloring? Whatever. They’re also dryer and more crumbly than regular cake.
But top 'em with enough frosting and sprinkles, add seven days sans sex, and I’ll get a case of the “Fuck Its”. I'll keep eating because I need my sugar high, no matter how unsatisfying red velvet may be, no matter how bad the stomachache later on.
Kind of like love. You’re expecting one experience, but when you finally get your lips around it, it’s nothing like you thought it’d be. Not to say that you’d rather skip dessert. (What idiot would refuse dessert? Only assholes, that’s who!) You just want it to taste sweeter, softer, than it does. So you keep eating, deluding yourself with the idea that the more you eat, the better it will taste.
Am I being a buzz-kill? My apologies. Blame it on PMS. Or sugar crash. Maybe I just need to get laid. Or maybe I need to stop expecting red velvet to taste like anything other than red velvet. (I should say, though, that the heart-shaped cake was WAY tastier than the cupcakes. There’s still hope.)
So, what will I show up with at Slump Buster’s tonight? Which craving will get satisfied—-his or mine? (I should’ve put this up to a vote! ) That’s for me to know and him to find out. As for you, readers, enjoy the sweetness and light today, ‘cause my next post may be darker…(dun dun dun)
WELCOME BACK BLUEBERRY MUFFIN TOPS
INGREDIENTS
1 cup milk
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/3 cup sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 ¼ cup fresh blueberries
1/3 cup walnuts, chopped
2 teaspoons raw sugar
METHOD
• Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
• Grease muffin top pans with cooking spray.
• In large bowl, combine wet ingredients; whisk until incorporated.
• Add dry ingredients, stirring just until combined. (Over-mixing makes for tough muffins.)
• Gently fold in blueberries and walnuts.
• Scoop batter into pans. Sprinkle with raw sugar.
• Bake 20 minutes or until firm and lightly browned on top.
• Cool 3-5 minutes, then serve.
• Makes about 18 muffin tops, depending on size.
• If he complains that these are too healthy, tell him you're supposed to eat muffin tops, not wear one.
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