MAN EATER
Hot Dish: The MAN EATER BlogTrouble Over TokyoJune 27, 2010
Warning: do feed the wild Man Eater. Especially oysters. There must be a delay in the aphrodisiac effect of shellfish because less than 24 hours after my Sea Salt date, I was in such a state of arousal, I could’ve burst if the right (more…)
Seafood Worth Its SaltJune 22, 2010
I may be the best fed starving artist in cyberspace, but my wallet is as anorexic as they come. In six months, I made a whopping $2.40 from my Foodbuzz ad. Take into account the cost of hosting this site, plus all the food porn I provide to you, my darling peeps, and I’m (more…)
The Kiss of Death...Disguised as Cereal?!June 15, 2010 The Big Uh-Oh (Part Three)June 13, 2010
***Continued from the previous post***
Honey Buns and I were cruising along in his convertible when I got sideswiped. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed," he said, "But I’m not over Taken Lady." Taken Lady was Honey Buns’s co-worker crush, (more…) The Big Uh-Oh (Part Two)June 11, 2010
***Continued from the previous post***
Honey Buns was clueless about what to do with my box in bed…but when it came to my bread, I had to be bossy. “First you freeze it, (more…) The Big Uh-Oh (Part One)June 9, 2010
Infatuation never fails to fuck with my common sense. Thank God I write shit down. In reviewing my journals from the last month (y’all didn’t think that just because I wasn’t posting about this relationship, I'd stopped taking notes, did you?!), I can see the red flags multiplying from date one. (more…)
P.O.S. & A Piece of CakeJune 7, 2010
Honey Buns recently confessed a secret that may destroy the bliss we’ve been enjoying for the past month. I’m currently in the numbness stage of grief. Next stop: fury. Final destination: devastation. Population one.
But until we officially arrive in Splitsville, I’m going to keep the details about him as private (more…) Love You To PiecesJune 5, 2010 A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To MindJune 3, 2010
“Do you think I’m getting too thin?” I ask Dave one night as we spoon dispassionately in bed.
“Is this a trick question?” he asks. “No, I’m serious.” “I think you look hot,” he says, taking one of my butt cheeks in his hand. “You’re not thin, you’re slim. There’ (more…) The Threesome, Part Three: The FalloutMay 25, 2010
If I’m ever in doubt about whether or not getting down & dirty with someone was a bad idea, I only need to wait until daybreak to see how I feel.
The day after my backdoor quickie, for example, I felt fucking fantastic. My (more…) The Threesome, Part One: Pop My CherryMay 21, 2010
It’s 48 hours post booty call with him and I’m in session with Shrink, who should really be paying ME, considering how much she’s enjoying catching up on the recent She & Him antics.
SHRINK: Who is this? The musician? The one whose concert you went to? ME: You’re going to have to (more…) She & Him Make a Man Eater SandwichMay 17, 2010
Double your pleasure, double your fun. I’m out on the town with a smokin’ hot couple… who want to initiate me into the crazy sexy cool world of ménage à trois. The only problem is…I can’t decide if three’s a (more…)
Au Revoir, Inhibitions! Hello, Ménage à Trois?May 15, 2010
Have I said “never say never”? Because I need to. I never thought I’d fuck a married man, or my therapist, or, well, ANY of the guys I’ve slept with. They’ve (more…)
Sweep Me Off My Feet!May 13, 2010
My ass is sore. I think Playboy is to blame...though not for the reason you’d suspect.
I wasn’t going to tell you about this, readers, because I was ashamed, but what the hell. I really have nothing to lose now. A while back, I purchased a ticket to yet another one (more…) Hot Sausage & Honey BunsMay 10, 2010
A Girl, A Boy, and A Graveyard.
That was the song that made me fall in love with Jeremy Messersmith a month ago. Musical talents aside, he is also adorably dorky (think Buddy Holly, but hotter), so I was bouncing off the walls in anticipation of his CD release show on Friday. The evening (more…) Off With Her Head!May 8, 2010
Sometimes Man Eater goes looking for trouble. Sometimes trouble finds me. And sometimes, both happen simultaneously.
I’m sitting one table away from Diesel Jeans DJ, in direct sight of Playboy, and within striking distance of his S.O. How did this happen? In part by chance, in part by choice, and in part (more…) Snap, Crackle, Pop The Question!May 4, 2010 Blow Me! I Beg Of You!April 29, 2010
My previous two posts left *some* people all hot & bothered. It’s time to cool down...which fits perfectly with today’s topic: blowing.
The inspiration for a blow post came from a lover. Every guy has his trademark trick in bed… (more…) Go Fish? Cat Fight? Tough Cookie.April 27, 2010
True story: A man is fishing. He’s drunk, but let’s not blame the booze. He’s always had a temper. He’s got a live one on his hook. A big one. With a snap of his wrist, the man lands the fish in the belly of the boat. It’s flopping (more…)
Revenge Is SweetApril 25, 2010
Before I dive in, I must state: I have never had so little tolerance for mind fucking as I do at this moment. I’m moving this weekend, to a much smaller abode, which means I have to give up my dog (a big FU to all the “friends” and family who refused to (more…)
The Doctor Is In...But Can He Cure Mad Cow?April 23, 2010
I’m thisclose to posting a rageful rant…but if I’m gonna say something nasty, I want it to sting. Thus, I’ll need a day or two to stew. For now, know this: 1) there are no second chances and 2) Nobody puts Man Eater in a corner.
Now that I’ve spelled out (more…) Bunny Kisses & Carrot CupcakesApril 20, 2010 I Can Make Your Bed RockApril 7, 2010
Man Eater is about to embark on what may be material for some very racy posts (I say “may be” because depending on how XXX the hookup is, it may not be kosher for the blog). Before we proceed, I feel the need to state something:
I’m not a slut. I’m single. (more…) Breakfast with a Playboy BunnyApril 4, 2010
It may be Holy Week according to the church calendar, but Man Eater just had the most sinful Easter weekend ever.
I want to tell this story seductively while still being discreet. Why? I could say it’s because the man of the moment is high profile. I could say it’s because he’ (more…) I Already FocacciaMarch 30, 2010
If hits are any indication, readers don’t like Man Eater on a soap box. They’d rather read about soap-opera-style drama. You want it, you got it.
I wasn’t going to give Slump Buster any more air time because, despite his objections otherwise, I think he enjoys seeing his now super-hero-sized persona (more…) Get Lost, Mr. Good Enough!March 28, 2010
Reasons women cite for breaking up with men:
* He loved me too much * He wasn’t romantic enough * He was so boring, he thought I was funny all the time * He was too optimistic * He was too pessimistic * He didn’t have hair * He had hair, but the wrong color (most often cited: blonde (more…) Cock UNblockMarch 26, 2010
What’s the first thing you do when you return to single status? You Google The One That Got Away, of course. Unfortunately, Puck is virtually untraceable, save for a business address, a cycling race score, and an obituary (his father had the same name). Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Cyberstalking excitement over.
…until I logged onto Facebook. (more…) Four Little Words: I Love/Hate YouMarch 22, 2010
Have I said “They always come back”? (I know I have. I’m just being cocky.) Because they do! And...oops, we did it again.
I tried to keep my big mouth shut, but I can't eat if my lips are zipped, so here goes. Slump Buster and I reunited last week at Spyhouse. (more…) Two Mr. Wrongs Don't Make A Write(r Come)March 20, 2010
I’ve never seen a bookstore so packed before. It’s standing room only. I slink as close to the front as I can, but I end up stuck in the math and science aisle. The room reeks of beer (how’d they get that in here?!), B.O., and unwashed denim.
The men (more…) Who's Your Paddy?March 16, 2010
You asked for it. Okay, perhaps not you, personally, but one of my readers challenged me to dedicate a post to why, if I don’t drink, I date so many men who do.
At first, I thought my reader was way off base. (more…) What Happens in "Leaving Las Vegas"...Should Stay OnscreenMarch 11, 2010
I’m jumping the gun on this topic, as I’d hoped to time it with St. Patrick’s Day, but as most of you will probably be inebriated, not reading, I'm going to say my piece now while you’re sober.
The same night that Slump Buster and I (more…) Stop Monkeying AroundMarch 9, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings…
Or would you prefer “I can’t make you love me” by Bonnie Raitt? Don’t make me bust out the Coldplay! Ok, ok, I’ll stop before you barf (and don’t you dare say “it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings” ‘cause I haven’t (more…) Cum Again? Or Creme Brulee?March 6, 2010
I guess it’s over…whatever “it” was.
The breakup with Slump Buster wasn’t a bash-you-in-the-knees a la Tonya Harding kind of shock; it was a chip-in-the-windshield-that-slowly-spreads kind of heartbreak. It was so subtle, I didn’t initially recognize my sadness as such. But the tell-tale signs of break-up mode were there: The (more…) Is That A Bun In Your Oven?March 4, 2010
I know you wanna know.
And I’ll tell you…but before I do, I need to rewind to that Sunday (a.k.a. Day 28 of my cycle) when I asked (read: insisted) that Slump Buster give me a sexy send-off before my departure for Portland. He begrudgingly agreed, though failed to nail down (more…) Portland, Part One: Up In The AirFebruary 23, 2010
My trip to Portland started off with a bang…but not the kind I was hoping for.
I may go into details in a future post, but the point is I did not get my much fantasized about send-off from Slump Buster on Sunday night (read: steak at the Strip Club, followed by more (more…) Eat My Heart OutFebruary 11, 2010
Man Eater is an over-achiever. Leave it to me to hit two milestones in one date.
Sunday night was my first fight with Slump Buster. It started off as you might expect: with silence. Despite my optimistic attitude on Sunday morning, as the day slogged along, sans confirmation from Slump Buster about our date (more…) With Friends Like These...February 10, 2010
Man Eater needs a night off from the hot & spicy posts. Apparently, I've given a few readers indigestion. In 48 hours, I was poked, then unfriended, by two people on Facebook (yes, one was a woman!). WTF? Is there some unwritten poking etiquette I don't know about?
To add insult to injury, Fire Writer's invite (more…) You Say "Potato", I say "Is This A Date?"February 3, 2010
What defines a date? Seriously. I want to know. ‘Cause somewhere along the line, I got labeled as “Couch Potato Chick”. After the requisite coffee, lunch, and dinner outings, we arrive at date three, have sex, and suddenly my suitors relegate me to “let’s stay in” status.
…not that I mind necessarily. Home (more…) Sex? Yes! Sleepover? Um...February 1, 2010
Scene: a Saturday night. Slump Buster’s bed. Me spooning him. He’s drifted off. I’m still awake. His fingers are intertwined with mine and clasped, fist-like, on his chest. I can feel his heart beating. No matter how much his body shifts and twitches, his grip on my hand holds steady. Every (more…)
Playing Your Cards RightJanuary 28, 2010
The name of the game is waiting.
Err…I meant dating. Fuck it. Same difference. Anyone who says dating is not a game is lying. Everyone walks on eggshells around the opposite sex. There are unspoken rules what should and should not be revealed, and when. Women are at a disadvantage because what they (more…) Wake Up and Smell the...Cereal?January 25, 2010
I imagine you're chomping at the bit for my juicy news, readers...but sports-ignorant me didn't factor in the recent Vikings game. Narcissistic as I may be, I won't pretend to compete with football. That tasty tidbit must wait until my Minnesotan audience pulls their attention away from the boob tube.
In the meantime, (more…) Makin' Bacon (Like You've Never Seen Before)January 23, 2010
I've been waiting all week to share some really juicy news with you, but I simply couldn't place a heartfelt missive on the heels of the back-stabbing bitterness of the past few days. Consider this, a rewrite of my Bacon Brownie adventure from last fall, the buffer post.
Something even sweeter coming (again and (more…) Easy C'mon, Easy GoJanuary 21, 2010
(Continued from yesterday’s post)
Scene: Sunday evening, two weeks ago, me at home on the computer. After the booty call that never got off the ground, I sent the “let’s be friends” message to C’mon Kid, hoping that in lieu of getting laid, we'd at least have an artist-to-artist chat. Bedtime (more…) "C'mon" is a Four-Letter WordJanuary 20, 2010
As I mentioned in my last post, I had some reservations about publishing this missive because it might hurt someone’s feelings. Let’s call that sensitive subject Meatless Man. No explanation necessary. (For the record, I originally wrote him in as “Nice Guy” so as not to offend him. Ha!) In the last 24 (more…)
What A Difference A Date Makes!January 15, 2010
This was the week of 2nd dates. Each was the complete opposite of what I’d expected. One knocked my socks off (and came thisclose to knocking boots), one was incredibly touching (and made me wish I hadn’t jumped to platonic parameters so quickly after date #1), and the third (who will remain sans (more…)
Hunka Hunka Burnin' BananaJanuary 9, 2010
I don’t do well with rules. Not even my own. This week, for the first time, I broke my “Never double-book” rule.
The man I made the exception for was (surprise!) a Facebook friend. We’ll call him Music Mensch. As a former writer for a major magazine, he’d been around. As (more…) From Hot Bread to BedJanuary 7, 2010
So…it’s getting harder and harder to blog knowing that my suitors are reading these posts. Such is the case with today’s entry. Of all my invites lately, this is the one I’m most looking forward to. Said man is also the sole unavailable one of the bunch. And because I (more…)
So Sushi MeJanuary 6, 2010
After the New Year’s dinner date with My Little Indian (see previous post), I confessed via e-mail that I wanted to keep things platonic. To my surprise, he didn’t mind; in fact, he invited me out for sushi. A week later, on a frigid January night, we met up at the chi-chi (more…)
New Year, New MenJanuary 1, 2010
I am now convinced the granting of my Christmas wishes was not ignored, but simply delayed. Over the last few days, I’ve received more date invites than I did in all of 2009! I owe Santa some seriously delicious cookies.
And to my readers, I owe you this previously deleted post: Irish Eyes was (more…) Don't Drink and DateDecember 31, 2009
Let’s talk liquor, shall we? ‘Tis the season to get plastered. Consider this my PSA. Dating under the influence is dicey.
The reason I don’t drink can be traced back to New Year’s Eve of my 14th year (also the night of my first French kiss). I was at a co-ed (more…) This Calls For a Celebration (Bar)!December 29, 2009
It’s said if you don’t like the Minnesotan weather, wait a minute. This apparently applies to dating as well. Following are two posts, written two days apart, with completely different forecasts for the future.
48 HOURS AGO If good things cum to those who wait, I deserve infinite orgasms. Seriously. This is getting (more…) Merry XXXmasDecember 24, 2009
Dear Santa: Man Eater deserves something special this Christmas. I have been a good girl. I kept my pants on. ALL YEAR LONG. A major achievement, considering there were several occasions when I was tempted to numb out with sex, but didn't. (Interesting that I would use an activity as tactile as fucking to (more…)
You Deserve The Berry BestDecember 23, 2009
Man Eater is in hot pursuit...of the perfect pancake.
As I hinted in a previous post, I can see the light at the end of this long, celibate tunnel (a.k.a. my vagina). 2010 is going to be Man Eater’s year. As exciting as that is, it’s also scary. Man Eater (more…) Pimping On PaperDecember 4, 2009
Once every other sane (read: employed) person in the world had gone to bed, I watched "Paper Heart" to unwind. Following is the post I wrote after seeing it in the theater for the first time.
** "Paper Heart" is a sweet, quirky film about a girl who doesn’t believe in love…until she (more…) Salad DaysNovember 27, 2009
“Ooh—there’s a really cute guy behind you,” Mom said the other night at the jazz club. We’d gone to see one of my childhood friends sing. Aside from the music, Mom was enjoying hypothetically matching me up with every bachelor in sight—even the ineligible ones.
Mom gave me the hubba-hubba (more…) Pucking Turkey DayNovember 26, 2009
“What looks good?” Mom asked, perusing the menu at the Dakota Jazz Club the other night.
I glanced at the table to my right, where a man was being served a plate of mussels. “Have you ever had mussels?” I asked. Mom shook her head. I watched as our neighbor delicately removed a mussel (more…) Hot & Cold (Part II)November 25, 2009
(Continued from yesterday's post.)
The next day, as soon as Construction Cutie slouched into the chair across from me (we were down that like), he said, “So I’ve been thinking about this memoir thing. Aren’t you too young to write a memoir?” “It doesn’t cover my whole life,” I said. “Just (more…) Hot & Cold (Part I)November 24, 2009
Once upon a time, I commuted to a nearby cafe daily to write.
“How many cups of coffee until you finish that thing?” a man asked me one morning. I looked up from my laptop in shock at Construction Cutie. Though he came in regularly for a pair of hot-and-cold coffees, we’d never (more…) Miss Match No MoreNovember 20, 2009
I was not surprised when today, my last day on Match, I received a surge of e-mails from interested bachelors. This confirms my theory that the dating site is, well, a set-up. What better way to ensure that a single gal at her wit’s end would renew her membership than to barrage her (more…)
Six Inches of BlissNovember 16, 2009
You should be ashamed of yourselves. How dare you let this happen to me?!
Tomorrow marks one year since the last time I made bacon. (In bed, of course. It’s a daily occurrence in the kitchen!) I woke up this morning after only four hours of sleep with the unhappy anniversary on my (more…) Let's Agree To...Get It On! (Part II)November 4, 2009
(Continued from yesterday’s post)
I arrived the following Tuesday prepared to fuck my brains out with Mediator Mogul. I was coiffed, made-up, and doused in my favorite Dream fragrance. I pulled into Mediator Mogul’s driveway—behind a cherry-colored Mustang. I knew he had a monopoly on the mediation market, but a MUSTANG? (more…) Let's Agree To...Get It On! (Part I)November 3, 2009
In the absence of exciting action in MAN EATER world, I’m digging into the archives. Flash back a few years, when Married Man was trying to be faithful again to his wife. He thought that by hooking me up with a hottie, there’d be less temptation, on either side, to continue our (more…)
Man Eater Seeks Muffin EaterOctober 29, 2009
Man Eater has a live one on the line.
I knew this would happen. As soon as I informed Match.com that I would not be renewing my membership, two new e-mails popped up; the first too ridiculous to warrant a response (“I want to know the name of your book!” Uh-huh, I’ll (more…) You've Got Male!October 24, 2009
In an attempt to weed out the illiterate losers on Match, I added a new line to my profile last night: “If all you’re going to do is wink, don’t bother.”
Since then: six winks and counting. I’m sorry, fellas, but what about “don’t bother” didn’t you understand?! If (more…) MatchMenOctober 23, 2009
It’s official. Man Eater is a masochist.
I’m only 48 hours into round three of online dating and already regretting the ten minutes it took to update my profile and upload a few not-too-pornographic pics onto Match.com. My “plan” had been to just put the profile up, wait until my in-box had (more…) Searchin' For Sumthin' Sumthin'October 21, 2009
Man Eater’s loneliness worsens with every degree the temperature drops in Minnesota. Today it was disgustingly gray outside; the world was like a big fucking hair ball. (Would that make me the pussycat? Meow.)
To improve my mood, I baked. ‘Tis the season for pumpkin raisin cravings and mine wouldn’t abate. I (more…) An Insatiable EgoAugust 31, 2009
You are what you eat. This is why Saturday night finds me at home alone, slaving over the stove, on a ridiculous mission to make humble pie.
Why humble pie? Because last week, I tried to build two friendship bridges…albeit with seductress lumber glued together with sticky manipulation. Both bridges burned before construction (more…) Fudging The Truth?August 24, 2009
I was supposed to have a date on Friday night. Was I excited? Not exactly. Was I nervous? Abso-fucking-lutely. I always freak myself out before meeting someone new, even if we’ve already chatted extensively online and especially when he’s read my blog and still wants to date me!
I’m going to (more…) How You Like Them Apples?August 21, 2009
Intoxicating Artist is a pussy.
That's my conclusion after waiting 48 agonizing hours for him to “keep me posted” about our pending BBQ. I pulled out every cock teaser trick in the book to no avail. First, this message: "I just talked to God. He approved the BBQ, as long as apples are not involved. (more…) |
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