“This feels like a dream,” Slump Buster said as he lay back on the couch.
It was not a dream. It was Thursday…and I was at his lair, sinking alongside him into the cushions. Our feet rested on the coffee table, our shoulders were pressed together, our heads turned profile. We were thisclose (more…)
MAN EATER
Hot Dish: The MAN EATER BlogSlump Buster: Back for Good?September 1, 2010
So. Slump Buster is back. At least via text. When yet another message arrived on Friday night, I responded. I know, naughty, naughty Man Eater. Go ahead, spank me. Three is the magic number for giving it up. So I gave in.
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t post the (more…) Going Ga Ga for The Goondas. Again!August 25, 2010
Confession: I was not in the mood to party. But my gawd, they’re The Goondas and I love those naughty boys as though I’d birthed them myself. I had to go to their show…but when my 9 PM primping time rolled around, I could hardly get the junk (more…)
Down in the Dumps with DJAugust 17, 2010
Though I’d only said goodbye to one guy, within 72 hours of dumping New Dude, it felt like everyone with a Y chromosome was either giving me the cold shoulder or getting on my case.
Case in point: my step-dad. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” he exclaimed on Friday morning when he saw (more…) Get Off & Get GoneAugust 14, 2010
“You’re early!” New Dude exclaimed when he appeared behind me, nude and dripping wet.
“I know, right?” I replied, plopping down on the couch with an issue of Spin. My punctuality wasn’t the only sign that something was very wrong. All day, I’d been in that weeping-over-the-steering-wheel-for-no-apparent-reason (more…) The Goondas Are Good (Cooks)August 9, 2010
The Goondas freak me out. In their music video “Jackalope Jesus”, drummer Josh Miller bangs away, stiff and bare-chested, like he’s on speed. A shot follows of his drumstick…between the fangs of a dead bear’s mouth. Then he takes a piss by one of Minnesota’s formerly pristine 10,000 lakes. Nice.
The (more…) Eggstasy in Rogue Valley with Chris Koza and Peter SieveAugust 2, 2010
If two dudes ever knew how to play hard-to-get, it’s Peter Sieve and his partner in crime, Chris Koza.
“You guys are impossible to tie down!” I exclaim when Pete appears alongside me at the café counter. Weeks have passed since my initial plea for the founders of Rogue Valley to (more…) Conquering Mount Couscous with Ryan TrasterJuly 30, 2010
It’s a dark and stormy night; so steamy, I’m sweating bullets just standing still, waiting for singer/songwriter Ryan Traster to answer the doorbell. The house we’ve agreed to meet at is decrepit, dark, and kind of creepy.
The door opens and a woman wanders out onto the porch. “I’m (more…) Strange Brew and Sweet Potato Pie with Dan ZamzowJuly 27, 2010
“I get off playing with people,” he says.
This is when my conversation with cellist Dan Zamzow really heats up. I’ve mentioned how the Twin Cities has shrunk since I started dating post-divorce. In the past, I was afraid. I was petrified. Now, I figure that Gloria Gaynor song is overplayed and confrontation (more…) Matthew Inkala's Sexxxy Sandwich & Acoustic SerenadeJuly 22, 2010
There’s a lot of T & A in here! That’s my first thought upon entering the North Minneapolis abode where I’m interviewing singer/songwriter Matthew Inkala. Artwork of bare-chested ladies is on display on the walls, the bookshelves, the table. Everywhere.
I immediately compliment the acoustic cutie on his dé (more…) Bad Girl + Good Guy = Great Date? Or Big Mistake? (Part One)July 18, 2010
To: Retro Writer
From: Man Eater (Insert awkward pause here.) I appreciate you being so cool about the Denver thing and subsequent blog posts. I'm used to people getting pissed, so your friendliness is a little unmooring. Thus began a recent message to the married author, (more…) Gluten-Free Gluttony with Grant DawsonJuly 15, 2010
Grant Dawson has a hot kitchen. Seriously. Only moments after shedding my sandals at the doorway of his quaint St. Paul abode, my clothing is soaked…above and below the waistline.
My interviewee seems totally cool, despite donning a long-sleeved shirt, heavy pants and a Twins baseball cap. Though I’m sweatin’ it, nervousness (more…) Man Oh Man-kato!July 11, 2010 Multiple Auralgasms? Encore!July 6, 2010
Remember the rock star that made me marshmallow eggs last week? He stole my spatula. Yup. When Casey Call’s confession came through via text, I informed him that “the punishment for swiping utensils is a spatula spanking.”
Casey LOLed. I wasn’t kidding. (more…) The Incredible Edible Rock StarJune 30, 2010
OMG. There’s a rockstar on my doorstep…with an overnight bag…and he’s here to do something that Man Eater has never experienced before. (Insert imaginary orgasm here.)
How did I get so gosh darn lucky? Diesel Jeans DJ had something to (more…) Trouble Over TokyoJune 27, 2010
Warning: do feed the wild Man Eater. Especially oysters. There must be a delay in the aphrodisiac effect of shellfish because less than 24 hours after my Sea Salt date, I was in such a state of arousal, I could’ve burst if the right (more…)
Dog Gone It! These Balls Suck!June 24, 2010
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk ourselves into things?” a man we’ll call Dog Star (I’ll explain later) mused during our initial meet-and-greet.
We’d been discussing our weekend plans over Vietnamese grub. I mentioned that one of my readers had offered me a ticket to see a band (more…) This Birthday BlowsJune 18, 2010 The Kiss of Death...Disguised as Cereal?!June 15, 2010 P.O.S. & A Piece of CakeJune 7, 2010
Honey Buns recently confessed a secret that may destroy the bliss we’ve been enjoying for the past month. I’m currently in the numbness stage of grief. Next stop: fury. Final destination: devastation. Population one.
But until we officially arrive in Splitsville, I’m going to keep the details about him as private (more…) Love You To PiecesJune 5, 2010 Sex and the City...and Gettin' Down in Rogue ValleyMay 31, 2010
I recently told a reader that “I don’t play well with others. Unless we’re naked.” Case in point: I had been at a Sex and the City 2 movie premiere party for only five minutes when, while attempting to shake hands, I knocked over another attendee's drink. (more…)
Ride 'Em CowgirlMay 28, 2010
I’ll never forget when I first heard Courtney McClean and The Dirty Curls perform. Aside from their jaw-dropping lyrics, what ingrained them in my memory was that their show was the same day when all the pregnancy drama with Slump Buster came to, (more…)
The Threesome, Part One: Pop My CherryMay 21, 2010
It’s 48 hours post booty call with him and I’m in session with Shrink, who should really be paying ME, considering how much she’s enjoying catching up on the recent She & Him antics.
SHRINK: Who is this? The musician? The one whose concert you went to? ME: You’re going to have to (more…) There's More Than One Way To Make A Booty CallMay 19, 2010
**Continued from the previous post**
Two a.m. arrives and I still haven’t heard back from She & Him re: whether or not they’re still up for a threesome tonight. I’m about to get in bed when I receive a text from (more…) She & Him Make a Man Eater SandwichMay 17, 2010
Double your pleasure, double your fun. I’m out on the town with a smokin’ hot couple… who want to initiate me into the crazy sexy cool world of ménage à trois. The only problem is…I can’t decide if three’s a (more…)
Sweep Me Off My Feet!May 13, 2010
My ass is sore. I think Playboy is to blame...though not for the reason you’d suspect.
I wasn’t going to tell you about this, readers, because I was ashamed, but what the hell. I really have nothing to lose now. A while back, I purchased a ticket to yet another one (more…) Hot Sausage & Honey BunsMay 10, 2010
A Girl, A Boy, and A Graveyard.
That was the song that made me fall in love with Jeremy Messersmith a month ago. Musical talents aside, he is also adorably dorky (think Buddy Holly, but hotter), so I was bouncing off the walls in anticipation of his CD release show on Friday. The evening (more…) Off With Her Head!May 8, 2010
Sometimes Man Eater goes looking for trouble. Sometimes trouble finds me. And sometimes, both happen simultaneously.
I’m sitting one table away from Diesel Jeans DJ, in direct sight of Playboy, and within striking distance of his S.O. How did this happen? In part by chance, in part by choice, and in part (more…) Blow Me! I Beg Of You!April 29, 2010
My previous two posts left *some* people all hot & bothered. It’s time to cool down...which fits perfectly with today’s topic: blowing.
The inspiration for a blow post came from a lover. Every guy has his trademark trick in bed… (more…) Go Fish? Cat Fight? Tough Cookie.April 27, 2010
True story: A man is fishing. He’s drunk, but let’s not blame the booze. He’s always had a temper. He’s got a live one on his hook. A big one. With a snap of his wrist, the man lands the fish in the belly of the boat. It’s flopping (more…)
The Doctor Is In...But Can He Cure Mad Cow?April 23, 2010
I’m thisclose to posting a rageful rant…but if I’m gonna say something nasty, I want it to sting. Thus, I’ll need a day or two to stew. For now, know this: 1) there are no second chances and 2) Nobody puts Man Eater in a corner.
Now that I’ve spelled out (more…) Bunny Kisses & Carrot CupcakesApril 20, 2010 Man Eater in the Mile High City (Part Three)April 18, 2010
***Continued from previous post***
Scene: Saturday morning in the Mile High City. With a spinach omelet, orange marmalade toast, and a fresh fruit cup in my stomach, celebrity cock shots on my cell, and a suitcase packed with Man Eater proposals, I headed off (more…) Too Much of a Good ThingApril 9, 2010
If you are reading this, it's because I'm still editing my missive re: romp with Bunny Boy and/or I'm getting busy with someone else's man in Denver and didn't have time to pen a new post. (No apologies if that was (more…)
I Can Make Your Bed RockApril 7, 2010
Man Eater is about to embark on what may be material for some very racy posts (I say “may be” because depending on how XXX the hookup is, it may not be kosher for the blog). Before we proceed, I feel the need to state something:
I’m not a slut. I’m single. (more…) Breakfast with a Playboy BunnyApril 4, 2010
It may be Holy Week according to the church calendar, but Man Eater just had the most sinful Easter weekend ever.
I want to tell this story seductively while still being discreet. Why? I could say it’s because the man of the moment is high profile. I could say it’s because he’ (more…) Four Little Words: I Love/Hate YouMarch 22, 2010
Have I said “They always come back”? (I know I have. I’m just being cocky.) Because they do! And...oops, we did it again.
I tried to keep my big mouth shut, but I can't eat if my lips are zipped, so here goes. Slump Buster and I reunited last week at Spyhouse. (more…) Stop Monkeying AroundMarch 9, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings…
Or would you prefer “I can’t make you love me” by Bonnie Raitt? Don’t make me bust out the Coldplay! Ok, ok, I’ll stop before you barf (and don’t you dare say “it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings” ‘cause I haven’t (more…) Portland, Part Four: Crash LandingMarch 1, 2010
Slump Buster has asked that I refrain from writing about him, a request I find surprising considering where I left off in the last post. You’d think he’d want me to finish that part of the story… (‘Cause if the recent hits are any indication, I know you readers do!)
Well, babe, (more…) From a Very Bad Boy to a Berry Good MorningJanuary 29, 2010
Was I too harsh in my last post? Blame it on my writing style. Third person plural can sound accusatory, so today I will stick to “I” statements. This is what was really going on inside my pretty little head:
At about 24 hours post slump-bust, the insecurity set in. A doom-and-gloom thought train thundered (more…) "C'mon" is a Four-Letter WordJanuary 20, 2010
As I mentioned in my last post, I had some reservations about publishing this missive because it might hurt someone’s feelings. Let’s call that sensitive subject Meatless Man. No explanation necessary. (For the record, I originally wrote him in as “Nice Guy” so as not to offend him. Ha!) In the last 24 (more…)
Hunka Hunka Burnin' BananaJanuary 9, 2010
I don’t do well with rules. Not even my own. This week, for the first time, I broke my “Never double-book” rule.
The man I made the exception for was (surprise!) a Facebook friend. We’ll call him Music Mensch. As a former writer for a major magazine, he’d been around. As (more…) 'Tis The Season...To Get LuckyDecember 26, 2009
I’ve had all things Irish on my mind lately. For discretion’s sake, let’s say it’s because I went to see The Swell Season when they finished off their tour in Minneapolis a few weeks ago.
Some of you are already going bleary-eyed. You think you don’t know who The (more…) Going Bananas in BedDecember 21, 2009
Breakfast in bed is a foreign concept to me.
As an endurance athlete (and food lover who's gotta keep her muffin top in check), I try to be consistent with my workouts. Every day for the past six years, I've woken up, whipped off the nightgown, and slipped right into my itty bitty shorts (more…) Don't Touch My HeineDecember 8, 2009
At The Swell Season concert I attended the other night, I witnessed a classic man-and-wife interaction.
I immediately pegged Hubby as a Genuinely Good Guy because he’d attended the concert with the missus…and her best friend. Yeah. Fun. (Men, I hear you groaning. And I agree. I wouldn’t have changed places (more…) Aural Sex (Part Two)November 30, 2009
“I knew you wouldn’t be late tonight!” Mom said as I swerved, bat-out-of-hell speed, into her driveway. Only half-an-hour to go until Intoxicating Artist would take the stage.
I’d spent most of the day getting glamorous. I removed hair from everywhere except my head, dusted off the fuck-me heels, squeezed into a (more…) Aural Sex (Part One)November 29, 2009
“We’re going to get an up-close-and-personal view of his CROTCH?” Mom asked.
I'd just told her we'd be sitting front and center at Intoxicating Artist's concert. Literally. Row 1, seat 1, IN THE PIT. “Yes, Mom," I said. (And if we’re lucky, he’ll spit or sweat on us, too! I thought.) I dropped $130 (more…) Salad DaysNovember 27, 2009
“Ooh—there’s a really cute guy behind you,” Mom said the other night at the jazz club. We’d gone to see one of my childhood friends sing. Aside from the music, Mom was enjoying hypothetically matching me up with every bachelor in sight—even the ineligible ones.
Mom gave me the hubba-hubba (more…) Pucking Turkey DayNovember 26, 2009
“What looks good?” Mom asked, perusing the menu at the Dakota Jazz Club the other night.
I glanced at the table to my right, where a man was being served a plate of mussels. “Have you ever had mussels?” I asked. Mom shook her head. I watched as our neighbor delicately removed a mussel (more…) Dew Me, DJ!November 21, 2009
Minnesota is colder than a witch’s tit, but our music scene is hot. In a one-week span, Brother Ali, Mason Jennings, The Pines, Sophia Shorai and…(schwing!) Intoxicating Artist all have concerts scheduled in their native Twin Cities.
Music is my romance language. I eat it all up, from gangsta rap to spiritual (more…) Drunk on DesireNovember 10, 2009
“Are you going to the Jubilee?” my mom asked recently at dinner.
“No,” I scoffed. (I don’t particularly enjoy spending Saturday night amongst a bunch of aging hippy Catholics.) “Are you?” “The tickets were sold out, so I’m volunteering,” she said. “Ugh,” I grunted. “Enjoy.” I used to be an usher. And (more…) The Fairytale is CrumblingOctober 28, 2009
Crumbs. My specialty. I scatter ‘em left and right. Facebook was designed for clever insinuators like me!
The name of the game is “Coinkydink or Bread Crumb?” These are some of the recent exchanges between me and a certain someone. You be the judge: I blog about running; his next status update is about (more…) Mr. Write, Your Bacon Date Awaits!October 25, 2009
Man Eater sure knows how to pick ‘em.
I found my latest crush by accident. No--let’s call it fate because it’s so much sexier. Besides, Man Eater doesn’t believe in mistakes. A few weeks ago, I was searching Facebook for a former classmate (who has not approved my friend request by (more…) Animal MagnetismOctober 15, 2009
The force field has been actived. My taxi cab light is on (to borrow a metaphor from Sex and the City). I’m ripe. I’m juicy. I’m ready. I can feel it.
The men are circling, like the hound dogs they are. They’re sniffing me out. So why hasn’t anyone (more…) Getting Off On AirOctober 13, 2009
Due to my “day job” (a.k.a. the hocking of my memoir INSATIABLE), I’ve spent the last week talking non-stop to women about not-eating.
As many of you know, I’m allergic to all things fluffy and female. I thrive on flirtation. Debate makes me wet. I do not, however, get off (more…) Titanic Seeks LifesaverOctober 11, 2009
Once in a while my “little” brother says something so profound, it blows my mind.
Tonight, it was this: “You never know if someone’s available.” Sounds simple enough, right? Let me put this in context. We were at my INSATIABLE launch party and I was recounting how I’d connected with a total (more…) Black Magic BakerSeptember 27, 2009
I’ve been bingeing.
No, not on food. (Though I’m known to do that, too.) On music. Listening to tunes satisfies me almost as well as eating does (though neither compare to getting laid, of course). When I’m being smart and respecting myself, I’ll feed my love hunger with music instead (more…) Little Boy Blue, Let Me Blow Your HornSeptember 26, 2009
Every night, I go for a walk with the Man of the House, a.k.a. Tito, my poodle.
(Don’t laugh! He’s incredibly macho. He WILL bite your head off. Especially if you whiz by on wheels of any kind.) Last night, the weather was balmy and just right; not hot, not (more…) Kissing HistorySeptember 25, 2009
Sinatra got it wrong. A kiss is never just a kiss. A kiss is a corporeal form of connection. Communication. Communion.
Kisses, as quirky as the participants, as unique as fingerprints. My first kiss was in the second grade lunch line. That day, fate arranged us alphabetically in reverse. I was still a Veldey, (more…) Puck OffSeptember 17, 2009
Tuesday morning, fresh and flush from my workout, I sat down to my laptop with a cup of Yogi tea. There was a Facebook alert: “Puck has sent you a message.”
My heart leaped. I clicked. My gut sank. Be careful what you wish for and all that crap. To paraphrase (though I shouldn’ (more…) Happy Pucking BirthdaySeptember 13, 2009
Forget making whoopie. Just Puck Me.
I'm talking pies, people. And these ones were created for a certain Virgo turning 30-something today. Puck Me pies are a pair of strawberry marshmallows melted between two giant sugar cookies and dunked in melted German chocolate. It doesn’t get more indulgent than that. The name comes (more…) Dirty BastardSeptember 6, 2009
I had a dream last night that some fellow food writers e-mailed me to say, “Erica, please keep your blog light and happy. No more angry posts.”
Then I woke up. Alone. Reality bites. You readers don’t expect Man Eater to be all sugar and spice and everything nice, do you? Because it (more…) Going Bananas In BedSeptember 2, 2009
Breakfast in bed is a foreign concept to me.
As a marathon runner, I find the only way to be consistent with my workouts is to get up, whip off the nightgown, and slip right into my running gear. After a cup of coffee and an orange, I’m out the door. Lately, my (more…) How You Like Them Apples?August 21, 2009
Intoxicating Artist is a pussy.
That's my conclusion after waiting 48 agonizing hours for him to “keep me posted” about our pending BBQ. I pulled out every cock teaser trick in the book to no avail. First, this message: "I just talked to God. He approved the BBQ, as long as apples are not involved. (more…) Who Wants Seconds?August 19, 2009
“Open the window,” my 6-year-old, Hannah, said on the drive to the Dakota County fair on Sunday.
“Why?” I asked, cueing up our current favorite song, “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. “Because it’s good luck for Prince Charming.” “I don’t know about that,” I said. “I think I’d scare (more…) Too Much Of A Good Thing: Part TwoAugust 18, 2009
***Continued from yesterday’s post!***
On Saturday morning, I went straight to the computer and logged on with the weight of sin on shoulders. It was like I had a hangover from overdosing on stupidity. But…surprise, surprise. An e-mail from Intoxicating Artist awaited me in my in-box (now, if only I could get (more…) Too Hot To HandleAugust 14, 2009
How to explain without giving it all away? In a recent e-mail, Intoxicating Artist said two words that really intrigued me; no, they weren’t “fuck me” (unfortunately). They were much more subtle than that. So I spent way too much energy trying to decipher the hidden meaning…and found a song with those (more…)
A Fine LineAugust 13, 2009
So, I know I swore I’d never fall for a married guy again, but someone—let’s call him Intoxicating Artist—is flashing on my radar. Married female readers, don’t flip out. Nothing’s happened outside my computer screen (yet), but my imagination is running wild.
In my defense, let me say (more…) Have No Fear, Taylor Is HereAugust 1, 2009
Today I’m a Taylor Swift song.
I was first introduced to Taylor’s music by Gorilla Guy, who serenaded me with “Love Story” after knowing me for about an hour. (Yeah, how’d THAT fairytale work out, huh?!) He insisted I’d like her CD “Fearless” because she’s a writer, too. I’ (more…) Dream MenJuly 25, 2009
I had dream about Puck (bare-chested!!!) last night. I was stroking his muscles and telling him how sexy he was. Then his ego emerged like a bulldozer and completely wiped out my attraction.
“Tell me what you like about my body,” he insisted over and over. No matter how much I gushed, he wasn’ (more…) Name That TuneJuly 20, 2009
I recently attended a concert by The Brothers Frantzich, a Lutheran duo who, in their own words, play “Huck Finn” style music.
Just before they began their opening number (a hilarious parody of Minnesotans’ anticipation of springtime), one of the brothers said, “I believe we can sing God into this room.” The concert was (more…) It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want ToJune 14, 2009
I’m mired in the birthday blues. The big day is still 48 hours away, so tonight I’m throwing myself a pity party.
I can’t stop thinking about how amazing I felt two years ago at this very moment as Puck whisked me back to his apartment on his Ducati at the end (more…) |
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