MAN EATER
Hot Dish: The MAN EATER BlogFrom Jerk Burger to Sweetie PieJuly 8, 2010
“Don’t write the name when you post that,” New Dude advised me as I snapped a shot of my Jerk Burger (a buffalo patty topped with a ring of grilled pineapple and a slice of melted pepperjack cheese) at Hell’s (more…)
This Birthday BlowsJune 18, 2010 Sex and the City...and Gettin' Down in Rogue ValleyMay 31, 2010
I recently told a reader that “I don’t play well with others. Unless we’re naked.” Case in point: I had been at a Sex and the City 2 movie premiere party for only five minutes when, while attempting to shake hands, I knocked over another attendee's drink. (more…)
Sweep Me Off My Feet!May 13, 2010
My ass is sore. I think Playboy is to blame...though not for the reason you’d suspect.
I wasn’t going to tell you about this, readers, because I was ashamed, but what the hell. I really have nothing to lose now. A while back, I purchased a ticket to yet another one (more…) Bunny Kisses & Carrot CupcakesApril 20, 2010 I Already FocacciaMarch 30, 2010
If hits are any indication, readers don’t like Man Eater on a soap box. They’d rather read about soap-opera-style drama. You want it, you got it.
I wasn’t going to give Slump Buster any more air time because, despite his objections otherwise, I think he enjoys seeing his now super-hero-sized persona (more…) Cock UNblockMarch 26, 2010
What’s the first thing you do when you return to single status? You Google The One That Got Away, of course. Unfortunately, Puck is virtually untraceable, save for a business address, a cycling race score, and an obituary (his father had the same name). Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Cyberstalking excitement over.
…until I logged onto Facebook. (more…) Holy Guacamole! It's Matrimony!March 24, 2010
Eleven years ago today, at this very moment, I was saying my “I Do”s with The Mexican at a judge’s chambers in downtown Minneapolis. The dress was a horrific Macy’s prom frock covered in sequins and the reception was held at…
…Olive Garden. Oh, the shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Based solely on our first (more…) Who's Your Paddy?March 16, 2010
You asked for it. Okay, perhaps not you, personally, but one of my readers challenged me to dedicate a post to why, if I don’t drink, I date so many men who do.
At first, I thought my reader was way off base. (more…) Eat My Heart OutFebruary 11, 2010
Man Eater is an over-achiever. Leave it to me to hit two milestones in one date.
Sunday night was my first fight with Slump Buster. It started off as you might expect: with silence. Despite my optimistic attitude on Sunday morning, as the day slogged along, sans confirmation from Slump Buster about our date (more…) The Perfect Hole, The Long John, and The Big OFebruary 8, 2010
Man Eater has met her match.
Slump Buster not only broke the dry spell, he’s broken my orgasmic high score. I’ve had more Big O’s in 2010 than most women do during the entire span of their marriages. I don’t keep score, but if I did…I would’ve lost count (more…) You Say "Potato", I say "Is This A Date?"February 3, 2010
What defines a date? Seriously. I want to know. ‘Cause somewhere along the line, I got labeled as “Couch Potato Chick”. After the requisite coffee, lunch, and dinner outings, we arrive at date three, have sex, and suddenly my suitors relegate me to “let’s stay in” status.
…not that I mind necessarily. Home (more…) From a Very Bad Boy to a Berry Good MorningJanuary 29, 2010
Was I too harsh in my last post? Blame it on my writing style. Third person plural can sound accusatory, so today I will stick to “I” statements. This is what was really going on inside my pretty little head:
At about 24 hours post slump-bust, the insecurity set in. A doom-and-gloom thought train thundered (more…) Yes We CanadaDecember 19, 2009
**The last entry from a week-long post on Man Eater’s Montreal trip**
DAY FOUR I tossed and turned all night. Around 5 a.m., I put a guided meditation on my headphones to induce sleepiness; instead, the CD prompts me to envision someone I need to let go of and to say goodbye. I (more…) Man Eater's Eggcellent AdventureDecember 16, 2009
**Part of a week-long post on Man Eater's Montreal vacation**
DAY THREE Today’s mission: to visit the infamous Fairmount Bagel Bakery (FBB), the birthplace of bagels in Montreal. They boast more than 20 flavors. They even invented the “Bozo” bagel (three bagels roped into one giant orb). In Man Eater’s mind, FBB is (more…) Joy De Vivre? TBD.December 15, 2009
**Part of a week-long post from Man Eater's Montreal vacation**
DAY TWO I feel like The Bubble Girl in this hotel room. Montreal looked so lush in the You Tube videos; now that I’m here, it reminds me of Boston: gray, cold, dirty, lonely, scary. The maps are mazes that I can’t (more…) Canadian EscapeDecember 14, 2009
For my 28th birthday, I treated myself to a vacation. I chose Montreal because it wasn’t blatantly Canadian…and, okay, because going where I really wanted to (Puck’s hometown of Winnipeg) would’ve been too stalkerish. I never would’ve resisted running into his mom accidentally-on-purpose with a loaf of my best (more…)
Pimping On PaperDecember 4, 2009
Once every other sane (read: employed) person in the world had gone to bed, I watched "Paper Heart" to unwind. Following is the post I wrote after seeing it in the theater for the first time.
** "Paper Heart" is a sweet, quirky film about a girl who doesn’t believe in love…until she (more…) Pucking Turkey DayNovember 26, 2009
“What looks good?” Mom asked, perusing the menu at the Dakota Jazz Club the other night.
I glanced at the table to my right, where a man was being served a plate of mussels. “Have you ever had mussels?” I asked. Mom shook her head. I watched as our neighbor delicately removed a mussel (more…) Dew Me, DJ!November 21, 2009
Minnesota is colder than a witch’s tit, but our music scene is hot. In a one-week span, Brother Ali, Mason Jennings, The Pines, Sophia Shorai and…(schwing!) Intoxicating Artist all have concerts scheduled in their native Twin Cities.
Music is my romance language. I eat it all up, from gangsta rap to spiritual (more…) Miss Match No MoreNovember 20, 2009
I was not surprised when today, my last day on Match, I received a surge of e-mails from interested bachelors. This confirms my theory that the dating site is, well, a set-up. What better way to ensure that a single gal at her wit’s end would renew her membership than to barrage her (more…)
Do Not Feed The Wild Animals!November 17, 2009
EconMan used to say “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” If that’s true, I have arrived.
I originally made my celibacy pledge whilst studying the Yoga Sutras (a.k.a. The Ten Commandments for us pretzel people.) My mentor had given a lecture on bramacharya, the moderation of one’s (more…) Devil in a Red DressNovember 11, 2009
I recently had the inspiration to make a Red Velvet cake. I don’t know where these promptings come from (the baking Gods?), but once I get it in my head to make a cake (or do a man), there’s no deterring me!
As usual, I had no idea what I was getting (more…) Puck-N-Speedy Pecan PieNovember 6, 2009
They say that just before giving birth, pregnant women go into “nesting” mode. I didn’t experience that when I was knocked up, but since this dry spell began I do get manic urges to clean house every couple months. I’d like to believe this I-gotta-impress-somebody energy will magnetize Mr. Whoever (Standards inversely (more…)
Man Eater Seeks Muffin EaterOctober 29, 2009
Man Eater has a live one on the line.
I knew this would happen. As soon as I informed Match.com that I would not be renewing my membership, two new e-mails popped up; the first too ridiculous to warrant a response (“I want to know the name of your book!” Uh-huh, I’ll (more…) MatchMenOctober 23, 2009
It’s official. Man Eater is a masochist.
I’m only 48 hours into round three of online dating and already regretting the ten minutes it took to update my profile and upload a few not-too-pornographic pics onto Match.com. My “plan” had been to just put the profile up, wait until my in-box had (more…) How Long 'Til Hump Day?October 18, 2009
I’ve done it all; online dating, speed dating, blind dating. I’ve been matched up, hooked up, stood up. I’ve tried psychotherapy, stone therapy, astrology, affirmations, Kundalini yoga, and collages.
One attract-a-man book I read said I should set a place at the table for my intended mate and buy him presents. (more…) Sex Degrees of SeparationOctober 17, 2009
Made you read! Today was supposed to be the much-anticipated Fire Writer post, but as plans tend to do, it blew up in my face. (This is why I don’t make promises I can’t eat.)
It was an honest mistake. I wanted Fire Writer’s post to coincide with a certain event, (more…) Born To Be WildOctober 12, 2009
According to my hit counter (Who invented that kick-ass term? I love that Man Eater gets “hit” on!), I have some new readers out there, readers who must be wondering how I got to be the nut-crazed loony tune that I am. Today, I’m going to tell you.
It all started around my (more…) Titanic Seeks LifesaverOctober 11, 2009
Once in a while my “little” brother says something so profound, it blows my mind.
Tonight, it was this: “You never know if someone’s available.” Sounds simple enough, right? Let me put this in context. We were at my INSATIABLE launch party and I was recounting how I’d connected with a total (more…) Teach A Man Eater To Fish...October 6, 2009
I like to fuck and get fucked…but only in the physical sense.
Mind fucking? So NOT fun. Alas, I continue to visit the head shrinker because, like dental cleanings and pap smears, it’s supposed to be good for me. Today, in grand passive-aggressive style, I arrived to my noon appointment 20 minutes late. (more…) Canuks Take The CakeOctober 2, 2009
Today I planned the menu for my INSATIABLE launch party. Then I picked out the frock I’m going to wear: it’s black, it’s tight, it’s a wrap (dress). Very fluttery and feminine. I’ve only worn it once before…on a date with Puck.
I remember that dress for two (more…) The Ultimate Ménage à TroisSeptember 29, 2009
Shrinkage is bad for men, but it is a necessary evil for Man Eater.
I’m talking about therapy, people! My shrink has a sailor’s mouth almost as dirty as mine, she’s impossible to shock, and she’s just as feisty as yours truly. All great qualities…until she turns them on (more…) My Hot Little (Bread) BoxSeptember 28, 2009
Warning: never, ever Google “Mexican banana split.”
(I know you’re doing it right now, you naughty readers! You are SO going to regret it.) When I made aforementioned mistake, I didn’t click on any of the accompanying YouTube videos, but I gleaned that said banana split involves a bodily fluid that should (more…) Is It Cold In Here? Or Are You Norwegian?September 22, 2009
I forget my Dad’s birthday. Every year. It’s become an inside joke amongst my family because no one (not even my mom, who was married to my dad for 13 years) can remember which day in September it falls on.
One year, fed up with my own forgetfulness, I made sure to mark (more…) Piece of My HeartSeptember 19, 2009
Goodbyes are not always bad, right? I mean, “good” is half the word!
And yet…I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of bad “goodbyes” lately. Since the conception of this blog, I’ve gotten the kiss-off from at least four men. To be fair to MAN EATER, two of (more…) Puck OffSeptember 17, 2009
Tuesday morning, fresh and flush from my workout, I sat down to my laptop with a cup of Yogi tea. There was a Facebook alert: “Puck has sent you a message.”
My heart leaped. I clicked. My gut sank. Be careful what you wish for and all that crap. To paraphrase (though I shouldn’ (more…) Pucked Over...AgainSeptember 14, 2009
It’s been five days since I sent the first hardcover copy of INSATIABLE to Puck. Included in the package was a card in which I poured my Pucking heart out about how I still have him under my skin two years post break-up.
His reaction? Nada. Nothing. Zip. The sentiments expressed in the (more…) Happy Pucking BirthdaySeptember 13, 2009
Forget making whoopie. Just Puck Me.
I'm talking pies, people. And these ones were created for a certain Virgo turning 30-something today. Puck Me pies are a pair of strawberry marshmallows melted between two giant sugar cookies and dunked in melted German chocolate. It doesn’t get more indulgent than that. The name comes (more…) The Cheese Stands AloneSeptember 11, 2009
I attended a funeral recently where a speaker urged everyone in attendance to reexamine the stories we base our lives on and reevaluate if they’re true or not. This topic was somewhat serendipitous, as I’d just written a post about my “unworthiness” theory that seems to drive my seductress behavior. I wondered (more…)
Three Hunks And A MonkSeptember 9, 2009
On occasion, I include a request in my bedtime prayer to God for Him to send me a clue, sign, or otherwise guide me in my dreams. Last night, I did the (now stale), “May you reveal my soul mate’s identity,” prayer. Well, either God is a polygamist or something got lost in (more…)
Sex And The Cynic (On A Stick)September 8, 2009
I have so much sex, all the females in my family are jealous.
Made you look! (Err…read.) I’m not talking sex sex. I’m talking “Sex and the City”, also known as the greatest television show ever. I bought the entire collection of SATC DVDs as a reward to myself a couple (more…) Get Your Ass To MassSeptember 4, 2009
Earlier this week, I had an attack of conscience (yes, I have one) when The Mexican asked me to help him pay for and chauffer our daughters to Sunday school.
What’s my beef with religious education? I consider myself a recovering Catholic. Brought up in the Unitarian faith (which is an oxymoron if (more…) Naughty By NatureAugust 22, 2009
Contrary to what my dating history shows, I’m not stupid. In fact, I'm philosophical to a fault. I’m so self-aware, I can psychoanalyze myself. And I do. Which is why I’ve been pondering my craving for an indecent affair with Intoxicating Artist.
Quite simply: I’m pissed. I’m railing against (more…) Can I Menage a Trois with "Julie and Julia"?August 10, 2009
You knew this was coming: the blog entry about the new movie “Julie and Julia.” In a word: Go! It is unbelievably funny. Anyone who has ever cooked (or, more precisely, attempted to cook and failed and cried about it) will laugh out loud. And of course, Meryl Streep is a genius actress. She (more…)
Runaway BrideAugust 4, 2009
I’m crazy, I know, but this is what “The Bachelorette” (or, more precisely, her new man, Ed, a.k.a. Puck’s American twin) does to me!
I was running up Johnny Cake Ridge Road yesterday morning, listening to “Halo” by Beyonce, thinking about how my Prince Charming is going to have to (more…) Knock On WoodAugust 3, 2009
The other day, as soon as I finished blogging about "The Bachelorette" proposal and blubbering about Puck, the doorbell rang. Ding-dong. I stared at the front door, scared and disbelieving and breathless. Could it be? Had Puck, inspired by the finale of ABC’s reality show, finally come for me?
I peeked out the (more…) Phone SexAugust 2, 2009
Pop Quiz: How many people have you slept with in your phone?
This was the topic on my favorite radio station the other day. I always listen to said station when I run because they have the most booty-pumping hip-hop beats. Normally, when the DJs chat, I switch stations. But this topic was too (more…) Have No Fear, Taylor Is HereAugust 1, 2009
Today I’m a Taylor Swift song.
I was first introduced to Taylor’s music by Gorilla Guy, who serenaded me with “Love Story” after knowing me for about an hour. (Yeah, how’d THAT fairytale work out, huh?!) He insisted I’d like her CD “Fearless” because she’s a writer, too. I’ (more…) Special EdJuly 29, 2009
Ahh. I can breathe again. In other words, my computer finally came through for me and I was able to watch the second half of “The Bachelorette” season finale.
Hooray for Impotent Ed! He made it to home base (at least, I assume he did as soon as the cameras stopped rolling)! It was (more…) WTF ABC?!July 28, 2009
I have done virtually NOTHING today and t’s all ABC’s fault.
I was all jazzed this morning because I was planning on watching “The Bachelorette” finale online. I clicked. Nothing happened. I clicked again. Black screen. I clicked and cursed and clicked some more. I rebooted and tried again. Click. Click. Click. (more…) Dream MenJuly 25, 2009
I had dream about Puck (bare-chested!!!) last night. I was stroking his muscles and telling him how sexy he was. Then his ego emerged like a bulldozer and completely wiped out my attraction.
“Tell me what you like about my body,” he insisted over and over. No matter how much I gushed, he wasn’ (more…) Racing to the AltarJuly 23, 2009
What are the three words no divorcee is ever prepared to hear from her ex? “I’m getting married.”
Yup. The Mexican dropped the bomb this week. Correction: My six-year-old dropped the bomb, as in, “Mom, can you come to Daddy’s wedding?” Gulp. Now, The Mexican’s been seeing someone for a while, (more…) Green (Card) With EnvyJuly 17, 2009
I bribed away writer's block yesterday by promising myself a ticket to "The Proposal" if I finished my work. Mission accomplished, I went to the movies.
Sandra Bullock’s character is a Canadian working as an editor for an American publishing company. When her visa expires, she turns her assistant (Ryan Reynolds, who in (more…) Not Another Puck BuddyJuly 15, 2009
Oh. My. God. I just watched the latest episode of “The Bachelorette." In short, The Bachelorette took her Mr. Unattainable back to the fantasy suite (he’s no longer unique there—all three contestants got into bed with her this week. Yuck. STDs, spreading like wildfire…) and…Mr. Unattainable couldn’t get it up!
(more…) Paging Dr. Freud!July 8, 2009
I dreamt last night of Puck and me fishing. While Puck reeled in fish after fish after fish, I only caught one—but it was the biggest, most impressive fish in the school. The only problem? My Dad, who appeared out of nowhere, couldn’t get my fish off the hook!
Interpret this as (more…) Bad Ass BachelorJuly 3, 2009
My writer brain was in need of a break the other night; the next best thing I could find to unwind was trashy reality TV, a.k.a. “The Bachelorette.”
I really shouldn’t watch this show. It has done nothing to ease my relational cynicism or convince me that men are EVER ready (more…) I'm Just Not That Into YouJuly 2, 2009
Warning: Angry woman writing.
This is an open letter to all my former suitors, especially those with reunion fantasies. Let’s get something straight: I don’t play games. If I want you, believe me, you’ll know. To say I’m upfront is an understatement. The only time I play hard-to-get is if (more…) The Doctor Is...OutJune 18, 2009
Have you ever had a hang-over…from a dream? Last night, I dreamt that I was finally going to remarry (and, oddly enough, my groom looked just like Jamie Foxx, who bears absolutely NO resemblance to Puck. WTF?) Dream dude looked at me and said, “Erica, why aren’t you happy?”
I replied, “Because (more…) It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want ToJune 14, 2009
I’m mired in the birthday blues. The big day is still 48 hours away, so tonight I’m throwing myself a pity party.
I can’t stop thinking about how amazing I felt two years ago at this very moment as Puck whisked me back to his apartment on his Ducati at the end (more…) All in the Cosmo(s)June 7, 2009
I had a reality check this morning in the form of a Cosmo Quiz. (Yes, I've sunk to the level of consulting that trashy mag for relationship advice.) I shamefully admit that I read "Cosmopolitan" regularly, if only because it keeps my brain off my body while I do the elliptical.
Most of the (more…) Sappy AnniversaryJune 6, 2009
“Why are the clouds crying, Mommy?” my six-year-old asked as rain assaulted us this morning.
“I don’t know,” I said. Bullshit. I know why: it’s the two-year-anniversary of the day Puck and I met. (Cue the sappy violin strings now.) June 6, 2007 goes down in the books as one of the greatest days (more…) Dreams DO Come True!June 5, 2009
Puck appeared in my dreams again last night. The dream was not only closer to reality, part of it actually came true today!
Allow me to explain. After Puck’s vague text the other day (see 6-3-09 post), I replied in kind with, “I don’t like to text. Call me if you (more…) "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes..."June 4, 2009
Congratulations are in order! Puck and I got hitched…albeit in my dreams.
I had a hell of a time falling asleep last night. I tossed and turned, unable to let go. I kept getting up, anxiously checking my cell phone to see if Puck had drunk-dialed me in the middle of the night. “ (more…) What the Puck?!June 3, 2009
It’s all Facebook’s fault. The website makes it so easy and so socially acceptable to hook up with lost friends—or, in my case, former boyfriends.
Though Puck was probably the first person I searched for after I posted my Facebook profile a couple months back, I couldn’t find him anywhere (more…) My Birthday Wish ListMay 30, 2009
“What do you want for your birthday, Mommy?” my six-year-old recently asked me.
My b-day is still over two weeks away, but in the Rivera household, we like to plan ahead. This year, however, I’m not excited about the prospect of my celebration. If my birthday doesn’t involve Puck appearing on my doorstep (more…) Do You Believe In "Ghosts"?May 29, 2009
I’m embarrassed to admit I paid $8.25 to see “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” the other night. Besides Matthew McConaughey being total eye candy (which led to a bout of sugar crash, ha ha) and Jennifer Whatever looking way too thin with those protruding cheekbones, the story was entertaining (in that cookie cutter way), though (more…)
Is Puck A Four-Letter Word?April 30, 2009
I woke up agitated for no apparent reason this morning. I felt claustrophobic, like a caged animal. I also had a digestive brick stuck in my gut which made it hard to breathe. Then I noticed a weird rash of little red dots, like broken blood vessels, forming beneath my eyes and all over (more…)
Don't Hog The DucatiApril 17, 2009
It’s motorcycle season.
While I used to be annoyed every time I heard that mosquito-whine of a motorcycle zip by, now I’m envious. My step-father gave me my first motorcycle ride on his Harley when I was a teenager. Thoroughly vested in returning me to my mother alive, he stuck to the (more…) Puck LoveApril 15, 2009
As I was walking Tito and admiring the sunrise this morning, a pair of Canadian geese flew overhead. Puck (my “one that got away”) is from Canada. Geese mate for life. Insert a big, romantic, sappy sigh here.
Then the geese started squawking in that loud, annoying way that they do. I smiled to (more…) Love StoryMarch 28, 2009
Everyone has a One That Got Away and I’ve been thinking about mine a lot lately. Let’s call him Puck because he’s a hockey player and very talented at…err…pucking. (Wink wink.)
Yogini Me would say that there are no accidents, that The One That Got Away is really The (more…) |
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