My interviewees are audible from the sidewalk. My finger is about to ring the bell when the frontman of Mercurial Rage, Michael Di’Greggario, appears behind the screen door.
I’m unprepared for what’s inside: toys everywhere, two kids toddling around, a mother-in-law, and YouTube baby videos blasting from the laptop on the (more…)
MAN EATER
Hot Dish: The MAN EATER BlogI Was Told There'd Be Cake (The Slump Buster Reunion: Part Two)September 6, 2010
So. It was time for dessert, though by the time I crossed the threshold into Slump Buster’s pad, I couldn’t care less about the chocolate cake that I’d suggested earlier. He was the only thing I wanted in my mouth.
“We’ve spent a lot of time naked in this apartment,” (more…) A Taste of Scandinavia with Thomas KiviAugust 29, 2010
“I am a product of Craig’s list,” singer/songwriter Thomas Kivi declares when I arrive at his rented pad in the Seward neighbor. “I found this apartment there. I found my roommates there. I found my job there. The only thing I haven’t found on Craig’s list is a girlfriend.”
“That’ (more…) Phat Freestylin' and Pad Thai with Kristoff KraneAugust 20, 2010
If timing is everything, then Kristoff Krane is worth the wait. It’s taken two months, a dozen emails, and a Kowalski’s shopping bag of swag to get the hip hop hottie to emerge from the underground.
Okay, he’s not that hidden away. But pretty close. Upon my arrival, I'm led through (more…) Get Off & Get GoneAugust 14, 2010
“You’re early!” New Dude exclaimed when he appeared behind me, nude and dripping wet.
“I know, right?” I replied, plopping down on the couch with an issue of Spin. My punctuality wasn’t the only sign that something was very wrong. All day, I’d been in that weeping-over-the-steering-wheel-for-no-apparent-reason (more…) Cowboy Caviar with Josh FryAugust 12, 2010
Josh Fry has a big mouth. I first witnessed this phenomenon at the Kitty Kat Club when Josh belted out a hybrid of hard rock/bluesy soul tunes as the frontman for Tollund Moses.
Now I’m in Josh’s suburban townhome, where he’s showing me his huge sausage. I am audibly delighted… (more…) The Goondas Are Good (Cooks)August 9, 2010
The Goondas freak me out. In their music video “Jackalope Jesus”, drummer Josh Miller bangs away, stiff and bare-chested, like he’s on speed. A shot follows of his drumstick…between the fangs of a dead bear’s mouth. Then he takes a piss by one of Minnesota’s formerly pristine 10,000 lakes. Nice.
The (more…) Eggstasy in Rogue Valley with Chris Koza and Peter SieveAugust 2, 2010
If two dudes ever knew how to play hard-to-get, it’s Peter Sieve and his partner in crime, Chris Koza.
“You guys are impossible to tie down!” I exclaim when Pete appears alongside me at the café counter. Weeks have passed since my initial plea for the founders of Rogue Valley to (more…) Conquering Mount Couscous with Ryan TrasterJuly 30, 2010
It’s a dark and stormy night; so steamy, I’m sweating bullets just standing still, waiting for singer/songwriter Ryan Traster to answer the doorbell. The house we’ve agreed to meet at is decrepit, dark, and kind of creepy.
The door opens and a woman wanders out onto the porch. “I’m (more…) Gluten-Free Gluttony with Grant DawsonJuly 15, 2010
Grant Dawson has a hot kitchen. Seriously. Only moments after shedding my sandals at the doorway of his quaint St. Paul abode, my clothing is soaked…above and below the waistline.
My interviewee seems totally cool, despite donning a long-sleeved shirt, heavy pants and a Twins baseball cap. Though I’m sweatin’ it, nervousness (more…) Man Oh Man-kato!July 11, 2010 From Jerk Burger to Sweetie PieJuly 8, 2010 Miss Independent Makes FireworksJuly 4, 2010
On holidays, I like to flip the calendar back and reflect on how far I’ve…um…come. (And have I ever! But we’ll get to that…)
Flashback to Fourth of July 2009. I was smack in the middle of the longest dry spell ever known to Man Eater kind. This was month number (more…) The Incredible Edible Rock StarJune 30, 2010
OMG. There’s a rockstar on my doorstep…with an overnight bag…and he’s here to do something that Man Eater has never experienced before. (Insert imaginary orgasm here.)
How did I get so gosh darn lucky? Diesel Jeans DJ had something to (more…) The Kiss of Death...Disguised as Cereal?!June 15, 2010 The Big Uh-Oh (Part Three)June 13, 2010
***Continued from the previous post***
Honey Buns and I were cruising along in his convertible when I got sideswiped. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed," he said, "But I’m not over Taken Lady." Taken Lady was Honey Buns’s co-worker crush, (more…) The Big Uh-Oh (Part Two)June 11, 2010
***Continued from the previous post***
Honey Buns was clueless about what to do with my box in bed…but when it came to my bread, I had to be bossy. “First you freeze it, (more…) P.O.S. & A Piece of CakeJune 7, 2010
Honey Buns recently confessed a secret that may destroy the bliss we’ve been enjoying for the past month. I’m currently in the numbness stage of grief. Next stop: fury. Final destination: devastation. Population one.
But until we officially arrive in Splitsville, I’m going to keep the details about him as private (more…) Love You To PiecesJune 5, 2010 A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To MindJune 3, 2010
“Do you think I’m getting too thin?” I ask Dave one night as we spoon dispassionately in bed.
“Is this a trick question?” he asks. “No, I’m serious.” “I think you look hot,” he says, taking one of my butt cheeks in his hand. “You’re not thin, you’re slim. There’ (more…) Sex and the City...and Gettin' Down in Rogue ValleyMay 31, 2010
I recently told a reader that “I don’t play well with others. Unless we’re naked.” Case in point: I had been at a Sex and the City 2 movie premiere party for only five minutes when, while attempting to shake hands, I knocked over another attendee's drink. (more…)
Ride 'Em CowgirlMay 28, 2010
I’ll never forget when I first heard Courtney McClean and The Dirty Curls perform. Aside from their jaw-dropping lyrics, what ingrained them in my memory was that their show was the same day when all the pregnancy drama with Slump Buster came to, (more…)
The Threesome, Part One: Pop My CherryMay 21, 2010
It’s 48 hours post booty call with him and I’m in session with Shrink, who should really be paying ME, considering how much she’s enjoying catching up on the recent She & Him antics.
SHRINK: Who is this? The musician? The one whose concert you went to? ME: You’re going to have to (more…) There's More Than One Way To Make A Booty CallMay 19, 2010
**Continued from the previous post**
Two a.m. arrives and I still haven’t heard back from She & Him re: whether or not they’re still up for a threesome tonight. I’m about to get in bed when I receive a text from (more…) She & Him Make a Man Eater SandwichMay 17, 2010
Double your pleasure, double your fun. I’m out on the town with a smokin’ hot couple… who want to initiate me into the crazy sexy cool world of ménage à trois. The only problem is…I can’t decide if three’s a (more…)
Au Revoir, Inhibitions! Hello, Ménage à Trois?May 15, 2010
Have I said “never say never”? Because I need to. I never thought I’d fuck a married man, or my therapist, or, well, ANY of the guys I’ve slept with. They’ve (more…)
Sweep Me Off My Feet!May 13, 2010
My ass is sore. I think Playboy is to blame...though not for the reason you’d suspect.
I wasn’t going to tell you about this, readers, because I was ashamed, but what the hell. I really have nothing to lose now. A while back, I purchased a ticket to yet another one (more…) Hot Sausage & Honey BunsMay 10, 2010
A Girl, A Boy, and A Graveyard.
That was the song that made me fall in love with Jeremy Messersmith a month ago. Musical talents aside, he is also adorably dorky (think Buddy Holly, but hotter), so I was bouncing off the walls in anticipation of his CD release show on Friday. The evening (more…) Off With Her Head!May 8, 2010
Sometimes Man Eater goes looking for trouble. Sometimes trouble finds me. And sometimes, both happen simultaneously.
I’m sitting one table away from Diesel Jeans DJ, in direct sight of Playboy, and within striking distance of his S.O. How did this happen? In part by chance, in part by choice, and in part (more…) Tying the KnotMay 5, 2010
***Continued from previous post***
After five months of the on-again-off-again relational rollercoaster, Slump Buster and I were on again. I had been lured back per his “Can I ask you a question?” text, but after our kiss-and-make-up session, he still hadn’t popped the (more…) Snap, Crackle, Pop The Question!May 4, 2010 Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female SubmissionMay 2, 2010
Words make me wet.
Yes, sir, I’ve been using essays as my personal porn since I was around twelve years old, when I got my hands on an anthology of erotic lesbian writing. Having had little experience with flesh and blood boners, I didn’t notice the lack of cocks contained within the (more…) Go Fish? Cat Fight? Tough Cookie.April 27, 2010
True story: A man is fishing. He’s drunk, but let’s not blame the booze. He’s always had a temper. He’s got a live one on his hook. A big one. With a snap of his wrist, the man lands the fish in the belly of the boat. It’s flopping (more…)
Revenge Is SweetApril 25, 2010
Before I dive in, I must state: I have never had so little tolerance for mind fucking as I do at this moment. I’m moving this weekend, to a much smaller abode, which means I have to give up my dog (a big FU to all the “friends” and family who refused to (more…)
Bunny Kisses & Carrot CupcakesApril 20, 2010 Man Eater in the Mile High City (Part Three)April 18, 2010
***Continued from previous post***
Scene: Saturday morning in the Mile High City. With a spinach omelet, orange marmalade toast, and a fresh fruit cup in my stomach, celebrity cock shots on my cell, and a suitcase packed with Man Eater proposals, I headed off (more…) Black & Blue & Read All OverApril 11, 2010
The best way to get over a Slump Buster is to get under somebody else. Who better than Playboy? Don’t be deceived by the cuddly, bunny implications of his pseudonym; Playboy (more…)
I Can Make Your Bed RockApril 7, 2010
Man Eater is about to embark on what may be material for some very racy posts (I say “may be” because depending on how XXX the hookup is, it may not be kosher for the blog). Before we proceed, I feel the need to state something:
I’m not a slut. I’m single. (more…) Breakfast with a Playboy BunnyApril 4, 2010
It may be Holy Week according to the church calendar, but Man Eater just had the most sinful Easter weekend ever.
I want to tell this story seductively while still being discreet. Why? I could say it’s because the man of the moment is high profile. I could say it’s because he’ (more…) How A Blackberry Turned Me Into A TartApril 2, 2010
Man Eater is feeling back to normal…meaning misbehaving.
The day after the breakup text exchange with Slump Buster, I went to Verizon to replace my broken phone (Ladies, forget the bars! If you want to meet sexy, single men, head to your nearest (more…) I Already FocacciaMarch 30, 2010
If hits are any indication, readers don’t like Man Eater on a soap box. They’d rather read about soap-opera-style drama. You want it, you got it.
I wasn’t going to give Slump Buster any more air time because, despite his objections otherwise, I think he enjoys seeing his now super-hero-sized persona (more…) Get Lost, Mr. Good Enough!March 28, 2010
Reasons women cite for breaking up with men:
* He loved me too much * He wasn’t romantic enough * He was so boring, he thought I was funny all the time * He was too optimistic * He was too pessimistic * He didn’t have hair * He had hair, but the wrong color (most often cited: blonde (more…) Holy Guacamole! It's Matrimony!March 24, 2010
Eleven years ago today, at this very moment, I was saying my “I Do”s with The Mexican at a judge’s chambers in downtown Minneapolis. The dress was a horrific Macy’s prom frock covered in sequins and the reception was held at…
…Olive Garden. Oh, the shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Based solely on our first (more…) Four Little Words: I Love/Hate YouMarch 22, 2010
Have I said “They always come back”? (I know I have. I’m just being cocky.) Because they do! And...oops, we did it again.
I tried to keep my big mouth shut, but I can't eat if my lips are zipped, so here goes. Slump Buster and I reunited last week at Spyhouse. (more…) X Marks the G-SpotMarch 18, 2010
Today’s entry was going to be about tying the knot. Now it’s not. (I hear baritone cheers echoing through cyberspace. I guess this is a good thing.) In lieu of happily-ever-after writing, we need to talk orgasms.
While 2010 started off with a bang (and innumerable Big Os), the past month has been (more…) Who's Your Paddy?March 16, 2010
You asked for it. Okay, perhaps not you, personally, but one of my readers challenged me to dedicate a post to why, if I don’t drink, I date so many men who do.
At first, I thought my reader was way off base. (more…) Sweeter Than Heaven, Hotter Than HellMarch 13, 2010
Though Man Eater behaves sinfully, I am a believer. I call on God often (and not just in the “Oh my God, I’m gonna come!” kind of way). Most of all, I have faith that when God closes one door, Cupid kicks down another.
Behind door #2? Fire Writer. Hellz yeah! Did you all (more…) Stop Monkeying AroundMarch 9, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings…
Or would you prefer “I can’t make you love me” by Bonnie Raitt? Don’t make me bust out the Coldplay! Ok, ok, I’ll stop before you barf (and don’t you dare say “it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings” ‘cause I haven’t (more…) Cum Again? Or Creme Brulee?March 6, 2010
I guess it’s over…whatever “it” was.
The breakup with Slump Buster wasn’t a bash-you-in-the-knees a la Tonya Harding kind of shock; it was a chip-in-the-windshield-that-slowly-spreads kind of heartbreak. It was so subtle, I didn’t initially recognize my sadness as such. But the tell-tale signs of break-up mode were there: The (more…) Is That A Bun In Your Oven?March 4, 2010
I know you wanna know.
And I’ll tell you…but before I do, I need to rewind to that Sunday (a.k.a. Day 28 of my cycle) when I asked (read: insisted) that Slump Buster give me a sexy send-off before my departure for Portland. He begrudgingly agreed, though failed to nail down (more…) Can A Zebra (Cheesecake) Change Its Stripes?February 23, 2010
Man Eater is taking a few days off to binge at VooDoo Doughnuts and hob-nob with sex writers. The following post is from a few months back, but I promise it's just as tasty the second time around.
*** “Ho-hum,” I said as I squirmed on Shrink’s couch. “I just don’t know WHAT (more…) Eve Would've Preferred Pink LadiesFebruary 20, 2010
* PART ONE: THE CLIENT *
You are a 24-year-old single mother of two daughters still in diapers. In the past 12 months, you have been through hell: a divorce, a near-fatal eating disorder, and a broken engagement. Thank God for therapy. You see your counselor, a middle-aged man, twice a week. He's sensitive. His smile oozes (more…) Bake It 'Til You Make ItFebruary 18, 2010
When Slump Buster left on his trip last week, I silently hatched a plan (no promises, not even to myself!) to ban all sugary substances from my diet for the duration of his absence. The goal: one week of completely clean eating. Dietary detox, if you will.
Go ahead, laugh your asses off. I (more…) VD Gives Me A Heart OnFebruary 15, 2010
Valentine's Day, in Man Eater’s world, is usually a non-event. I’ve only had one memorable V-day in my whole life! I was 16 and on my second date with The Mexican. He gave me a kiss; I gave him a card.
Wait! Details are important here. He gave me a HERSHEY’S (more…) "Secretary" and PizzaFebruary 13, 2010
(Continued from the previous post)
Our first fight resolved, my sentence of sitting through the Super Bowl served, and all but one slice of my Rice Krispies heart eaten, Slump Buster handed me a take-out menu so I could order the pizza we’d (more…) Eat My Heart OutFebruary 11, 2010
Man Eater is an over-achiever. Leave it to me to hit two milestones in one date.
Sunday night was my first fight with Slump Buster. It started off as you might expect: with silence. Despite my optimistic attitude on Sunday morning, as the day slogged along, sans confirmation from Slump Buster about our date (more…) The Perfect Hole, The Long John, and The Big OFebruary 8, 2010
Man Eater has met her match.
Slump Buster not only broke the dry spell, he’s broken my orgasmic high score. I’ve had more Big O’s in 2010 than most women do during the entire span of their marriages. I don’t keep score, but if I did…I would’ve lost count (more…) Red Hot Pop SecretFebruary 5, 2010
Valentine’s Day is coming. Slump Buster is going away. Man Eater is…cooking up trouble?
Let’s cut to the chase: Fire Writer is back in rotation. (Have I said “They always come back”? Because they DO!) Nothing’s happened…but the opportunity may soon present itself. Based on the ironic timing these (more…) You Say "Potato", I say "Is This A Date?"February 3, 2010
What defines a date? Seriously. I want to know. ‘Cause somewhere along the line, I got labeled as “Couch Potato Chick”. After the requisite coffee, lunch, and dinner outings, we arrive at date three, have sex, and suddenly my suitors relegate me to “let’s stay in” status.
…not that I mind necessarily. Home (more…) Sex? Yes! Sleepover? Um...February 1, 2010
Scene: a Saturday night. Slump Buster’s bed. Me spooning him. He’s drifted off. I’m still awake. His fingers are intertwined with mine and clasped, fist-like, on his chest. I can feel his heart beating. No matter how much his body shifts and twitches, his grip on my hand holds steady. Every (more…)
From a Very Bad Boy to a Berry Good MorningJanuary 29, 2010
Was I too harsh in my last post? Blame it on my writing style. Third person plural can sound accusatory, so today I will stick to “I” statements. This is what was really going on inside my pretty little head:
At about 24 hours post slump-bust, the insecurity set in. A doom-and-gloom thought train thundered (more…) Wake Up and Smell the...Cereal?January 25, 2010
I imagine you're chomping at the bit for my juicy news, readers...but sports-ignorant me didn't factor in the recent Vikings game. Narcissistic as I may be, I won't pretend to compete with football. That tasty tidbit must wait until my Minnesotan audience pulls their attention away from the boob tube.
In the meantime, (more…) Makin' Bacon (Like You've Never Seen Before)January 23, 2010
I've been waiting all week to share some really juicy news with you, but I simply couldn't place a heartfelt missive on the heels of the back-stabbing bitterness of the past few days. Consider this, a rewrite of my Bacon Brownie adventure from last fall, the buffer post.
Something even sweeter coming (again and (more…) Read It & EatJanuary 22, 2010
I don’t want to waste my words on haters, but apparently I pissed a couple people off with my last pair of posts. I regret sinking down to this level and spending a whole post on this High Schoolish bullshit, but I feel compelled to set the record straight.
I acknowledge that part (more…) Easy C'mon, Easy GoJanuary 21, 2010
(Continued from yesterday’s post)
Scene: Sunday evening, two weeks ago, me at home on the computer. After the booty call that never got off the ground, I sent the “let’s be friends” message to C’mon Kid, hoping that in lieu of getting laid, we'd at least have an artist-to-artist chat. Bedtime (more…) "C'mon" is a Four-Letter WordJanuary 20, 2010
As I mentioned in my last post, I had some reservations about publishing this missive because it might hurt someone’s feelings. Let’s call that sensitive subject Meatless Man. No explanation necessary. (For the record, I originally wrote him in as “Nice Guy” so as not to offend him. Ha!) In the last 24 (more…)
Swallow Your BlissJanuary 18, 2010
Most published writers will tell you that what DOESN’T appear in print is as powerful as what is. Just as I’m learning to appreciate the art of everything-but between the sheets (more on that later…or not…), holding my tongue on the page has proved to be rewarding in its own way. (more…)
What A Difference A Date Makes!January 15, 2010
This was the week of 2nd dates. Each was the complete opposite of what I’d expected. One knocked my socks off (and came thisclose to knocking boots), one was incredibly touching (and made me wish I hadn’t jumped to platonic parameters so quickly after date #1), and the third (who will remain sans (more…)
Hunka Hunka Burnin' BananaJanuary 9, 2010
I don’t do well with rules. Not even my own. This week, for the first time, I broke my “Never double-book” rule.
The man I made the exception for was (surprise!) a Facebook friend. We’ll call him Music Mensch. As a former writer for a major magazine, he’d been around. As (more…) From Hot Bread to BedJanuary 7, 2010
So…it’s getting harder and harder to blog knowing that my suitors are reading these posts. Such is the case with today’s entry. Of all my invites lately, this is the one I’m most looking forward to. Said man is also the sole unavailable one of the bunch. And because I (more…)
New Year, New MenJanuary 1, 2010
I am now convinced the granting of my Christmas wishes was not ignored, but simply delayed. Over the last few days, I’ve received more date invites than I did in all of 2009! I owe Santa some seriously delicious cookies.
And to my readers, I owe you this previously deleted post: Irish Eyes was (more…) Don't Drink and DateDecember 31, 2009
Let’s talk liquor, shall we? ‘Tis the season to get plastered. Consider this my PSA. Dating under the influence is dicey.
The reason I don’t drink can be traced back to New Year’s Eve of my 14th year (also the night of my first French kiss). I was at a co-ed (more…) This Calls For a Celebration (Bar)!December 29, 2009
It’s said if you don’t like the Minnesotan weather, wait a minute. This apparently applies to dating as well. Following are two posts, written two days apart, with completely different forecasts for the future.
48 HOURS AGO If good things cum to those who wait, I deserve infinite orgasms. Seriously. This is getting (more…) 'Tis The Season...To Get LuckyDecember 26, 2009
I’ve had all things Irish on my mind lately. For discretion’s sake, let’s say it’s because I went to see The Swell Season when they finished off their tour in Minneapolis a few weeks ago.
Some of you are already going bleary-eyed. You think you don’t know who The (more…) Merry XXXmasDecember 24, 2009
Dear Santa: Man Eater deserves something special this Christmas. I have been a good girl. I kept my pants on. ALL YEAR LONG. A major achievement, considering there were several occasions when I was tempted to numb out with sex, but didn't. (Interesting that I would use an activity as tactile as fucking to (more…)
You Deserve The Berry BestDecember 23, 2009
Man Eater is in hot pursuit...of the perfect pancake.
As I hinted in a previous post, I can see the light at the end of this long, celibate tunnel (a.k.a. my vagina). 2010 is going to be Man Eater’s year. As exciting as that is, it’s also scary. Man Eater (more…) Going Bananas in BedDecember 21, 2009
Breakfast in bed is a foreign concept to me.
As an endurance athlete (and food lover who's gotta keep her muffin top in check), I try to be consistent with my workouts. Every day for the past six years, I've woken up, whipped off the nightgown, and slipped right into my itty bitty shorts (more…) Man Eater's Eggcellent AdventureDecember 16, 2009
**Part of a week-long post on Man Eater's Montreal vacation**
DAY THREE Today’s mission: to visit the infamous Fairmount Bagel Bakery (FBB), the birthplace of bagels in Montreal. They boast more than 20 flavors. They even invented the “Bozo” bagel (three bagels roped into one giant orb). In Man Eater’s mind, FBB is (more…) Joy De Vivre? TBD.December 15, 2009
**Part of a week-long post from Man Eater's Montreal vacation**
DAY TWO I feel like The Bubble Girl in this hotel room. Montreal looked so lush in the You Tube videos; now that I’m here, it reminds me of Boston: gray, cold, dirty, lonely, scary. The maps are mazes that I can’t (more…) Freud Would've Been A Man Eater FanDecember 2, 2009
To entice those of you who haven’t read INSATIABLE yet to pick up a copy (a great holiday gift!) I’m posting a sexy sample from my memoir. Anorexia drama aside, there’s plenty of appetite-whetting material of both the eating--and the eating out--variety. And if you’ (more…)
Aural Sex (Part Two)November 30, 2009
“I knew you wouldn’t be late tonight!” Mom said as I swerved, bat-out-of-hell speed, into her driveway. Only half-an-hour to go until Intoxicating Artist would take the stage.
I’d spent most of the day getting glamorous. I removed hair from everywhere except my head, dusted off the fuck-me heels, squeezed into a (more…) Aural Sex (Part One)November 29, 2009
“We’re going to get an up-close-and-personal view of his CROTCH?” Mom asked.
I'd just told her we'd be sitting front and center at Intoxicating Artist's concert. Literally. Row 1, seat 1, IN THE PIT. “Yes, Mom," I said. (And if we’re lucky, he’ll spit or sweat on us, too! I thought.) I dropped $130 (more…) Salad DaysNovember 27, 2009
“Ooh—there’s a really cute guy behind you,” Mom said the other night at the jazz club. We’d gone to see one of my childhood friends sing. Aside from the music, Mom was enjoying hypothetically matching me up with every bachelor in sight—even the ineligible ones.
Mom gave me the hubba-hubba (more…) Dew Me, DJ!November 21, 2009
Minnesota is colder than a witch’s tit, but our music scene is hot. In a one-week span, Brother Ali, Mason Jennings, The Pines, Sophia Shorai and…(schwing!) Intoxicating Artist all have concerts scheduled in their native Twin Cities.
Music is my romance language. I eat it all up, from gangsta rap to spiritual (more…) Do Not Feed The Wild Animals!November 17, 2009
EconMan used to say “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” If that’s true, I have arrived.
I originally made my celibacy pledge whilst studying the Yoga Sutras (a.k.a. The Ten Commandments for us pretzel people.) My mentor had given a lecture on bramacharya, the moderation of one’s (more…) Six Inches of BlissNovember 16, 2009
You should be ashamed of yourselves. How dare you let this happen to me?!
Tomorrow marks one year since the last time I made bacon. (In bed, of course. It’s a daily occurrence in the kitchen!) I woke up this morning after only four hours of sleep with the unhappy anniversary on my (more…) Losing It...AgainNovember 15, 2009
Isn’t virginity great? In hindsight only, I mean. I think of the year I turned 15 and was really raring to go, sexually speaking, and it was just a matter of finding Mr. Right Now! to pop my cherry. Those pre-sex days, when the excitement of what could be made you all light-headed and (more…)
Super SoakerNovember 13, 2009
Let’s go back to high school. Freshman year. As I mentioned in the 11-8-09 and 11-9-09 posts, I fell hard for Captain Crush, a senior and star of the swim team. I wasn’t making any headway (heh heh) with him, so I tried to infiltrate his exclusive clique by getting (more…)
Comfort Me with Apple TatsNovember 12, 2009
“What are you in for?” Tat Man asked, holding the needle a centimeter from my skin, preparing to scar me beautifully for all eternity.
I turned my head but couldn’t make contact with his clover-colored eyes over my shoulder. “My birthday,” I said. “Which one?” “Twenty-third.” “Not exactly a milestone,” he said as (more…) Devil in a Red DressNovember 11, 2009
I recently had the inspiration to make a Red Velvet cake. I don’t know where these promptings come from (the baking Gods?), but once I get it in my head to make a cake (or do a man), there’s no deterring me!
As usual, I had no idea what I was getting (more…) Drunk on DesireNovember 10, 2009
“Are you going to the Jubilee?” my mom asked recently at dinner.
“No,” I scoffed. (I don’t particularly enjoy spending Saturday night amongst a bunch of aging hippy Catholics.) “Are you?” “The tickets were sold out, so I’m volunteering,” she said. “Ugh,” I grunted. “Enjoy.” I used to be an usher. And (more…) Out of My League (Part II)November 9, 2009
(Continued from yesterday’s post)
I didn’t dare page Captain Crush again; instead, I sought him out the next day at school, my yearbook pressed against my (A-cup) chest. I’d been aching for his autograph since the yearbooks arrived weeks before but held off so I could hit up everyone I knew (more…) Out of My League (Part I)November 8, 2009
It was my freshman year at an inner city high school in Minneapolis and the social butterfly I never knew I was burst from her bashful cocoon. While the rest of my classmates were googly-eyed for Josh Hartnett (yes, THAT Josh Hartnett), I fell for the captain of the swim team.
It was infatuation (more…) Checking into the Red Roof Inn...on a SundaeNovember 7, 2009
I once said that God must read my blog, judging from the amount of onscreen fantasy that has materialized in real life, albeit in often warped ways. Now I have reason to believe Mother Nature reads the Man Eater blog, too.
In yesterday's post, I described being overtaken by an odd "nesting" instinct. No, (more…) Puck-N-Speedy Pecan PieNovember 6, 2009
They say that just before giving birth, pregnant women go into “nesting” mode. I didn’t experience that when I was knocked up, but since this dry spell began I do get manic urges to clean house every couple months. I’d like to believe this I-gotta-impress-somebody energy will magnetize Mr. Whoever (Standards inversely (more…)
Cold Night + Hot Read = Grilled CheeseNovember 5, 2009
I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW IT.
Biggest mistake I ever made: reading Fire Writer’s book. (A disclaimer before we go further: anything I say about the novel under my Man Eater guise is going to sound crass. Forgive me, Fire Writer. Evil twin typing now...) I don’t read (more…) Let's Agree To...Get It On! (Part II)November 4, 2009
(Continued from yesterday’s post)
I arrived the following Tuesday prepared to fuck my brains out with Mediator Mogul. I was coiffed, made-up, and doused in my favorite Dream fragrance. I pulled into Mediator Mogul’s driveway—behind a cherry-colored Mustang. I knew he had a monopoly on the mediation market, but a MUSTANG? (more…) What The Fudge?!November 2, 2009
Confession: I lied. Though I said in yesterday’s post that I was too upset to eat, I did. A lot. All of it chocolate.
Before heading to Uptown to see “An Education” last night, I had a freakish urge to make fudge. I’d seen a recipe meant to be used for leftover (more…) Apple Pie EnvyOctober 31, 2009
Just when you thought apple pie couldn’t get any better…MAN EATER comes along and flips the sexiest recipe in existence on it’s head. Literally.
“Why another apple pie?” you groan. “How many ways can you possibly vary the same dozen ingredients?” Well, skeptical readers: 1) You can never have enough apple pie. 2) (more…) Dr. Hottie, I Need A House Call!October 30, 2009
I used to have a theory that nothing but trouble happens after 10 PM. I still think this is true…but now I’m awake for it…and usually the one causing the trouble. Lately I’ve been going to bed at 4 AM and waking up at noon. Normally, I don’t miss out on (more…)
Man Eater Seeks Muffin EaterOctober 29, 2009
Man Eater has a live one on the line.
I knew this would happen. As soon as I informed Match.com that I would not be renewing my membership, two new e-mails popped up; the first too ridiculous to warrant a response (“I want to know the name of your book!” Uh-huh, I’ll (more…) Tastes like (Angry) Chicken!October 27, 2009
MAN EATER adores acronyms. I can’t get enough PDA, UPS, LMAO, BEP, PB &J, BLT, and, of course, BJs.
Then there are the unappetizing acronyms I avoid like HSM: HPV and OPP. I don’t want this post to be a PSA, but if STDs are cool enough for “Californication” (see the 10-25 (more…) Bad Ass Bachelors, Kick Ass PieOctober 26, 2009
I'm behind on my must-see TV. It wasn't until this summer that I discovered--and fell in love with--"Boston Legal". All those sexy Alpha males, the excessive testosterone, the drama and debate; talk about a guilty pleasure! I gorged on the series, devouring the entire six seasons in a matter of weeks. It was (more…)
Mr. Write, Your Bacon Date Awaits!October 25, 2009
Man Eater sure knows how to pick ‘em.
I found my latest crush by accident. No--let’s call it fate because it’s so much sexier. Besides, Man Eater doesn’t believe in mistakes. A few weeks ago, I was searching Facebook for a former classmate (who has not approved my friend request by (more…) Makin' Bacon (Like You've Never Seen Before)October 22, 2009
Get ready to laugh, readers. Once again, my kitchen has proved to be ridiculously metaphoric.
A month or so ago, I was craving bacon. Really bad. Blame on that picture I saw on the web of “Bacon on a Sex Swing”. It was an appetizer so naughty, you’d have thought Man Eater invented (more…) Searchin' For Sumthin' Sumthin'October 21, 2009
Man Eater’s loneliness worsens with every degree the temperature drops in Minnesota. Today it was disgustingly gray outside; the world was like a big fucking hair ball. (Would that make me the pussycat? Meow.)
To improve my mood, I baked. ‘Tis the season for pumpkin raisin cravings and mine wouldn’t abate. I (more…) Neighborhood WatchOctober 20, 2009
I have a bun in the oven and it’s all Townhome Hunk’s fault.
In yet another witchcraft baking project, I’m making Hot Cross Buns in hopes of ending the recent cold snap between me and the hottie across the street. Since I blogged about his pooch (who passed away, unbeknownst to (more…) The Hottest Date You'll Ever BakeOctober 19, 2009
Finally, Fire Writer! (My current favorite and frontrunner for the Slump Buster title.) He’s witty, he’s fit, and he looks SO fucking sexy with a cigarette in his mouth that I'd light up just to impress him. (How many guys, aside from James Dean, can you say THAT about?)
The impediment: a (more…) How Long 'Til Hump Day?October 18, 2009
I’ve done it all; online dating, speed dating, blind dating. I’ve been matched up, hooked up, stood up. I’ve tried psychotherapy, stone therapy, astrology, affirmations, Kundalini yoga, and collages.
One attract-a-man book I read said I should set a place at the table for my intended mate and buy him presents. (more…) Brawny Man, Biscotti BabeOctober 14, 2009
Just because chemistry involves math, there’s no guarantee you’ll come up with the same answer every time. Once in a while, the X factor remains elusive. This is also true for food and dudes.
Take Coffee Shop Cutie, for example, who's been on my mind since that one-way conversation with Anchor Man (more…) Born To Be WildOctober 12, 2009
According to my hit counter (Who invented that kick-ass term? I love that Man Eater gets “hit” on!), I have some new readers out there, readers who must be wondering how I got to be the nut-crazed loony tune that I am. Today, I’m going to tell you.
It all started around my (more…) Think I'm Cocky? Bite Me.October 10, 2009
Man Eater is not to be double-dog dared. As stubborn and egotistical as I am, I will do just about anything to prove that I am right.
This may be the furthest I’ve gone to prove a point: tonight, I made fruitcake. I can’t believe I sunk this low, but Anonymous reader ( (more…) Throw Me A Bone(r)!October 9, 2009
This wasn’t the post I’d planned for today, but apparently I offended someone with my recent doggy ditties. Now I must prove my compassion for canines, so here you have it. Lap it up.
*** It was love at first sight. With curly hair and big brown eyes, my latest crush a total (more…) Who Let The Dogs Out?October 8, 2009
***Continued from yesterday’s post***
So I dangled the carrot cupcakes, but Townhome Hunk did not bite. Watching the skanks (none of them bearing baked goods, BTW) parade in and out of Townhome Hunk’s was infuriating. Still, I held out hope that he would come to his senses (preferably his sense of smell, (more…) Dangling the Carrot CakeOctober 7, 2009
“Dangling the Carat” (a.k.a. carrot cake) seems like the appropriate recipe today because it is one of the chapter titles of INSATIABLE (my memoir now available in bookstores everywhere).
Because eating disorders are anything but sexy, I consider the marketing of that book my “day job”. MAN EATER is my escape. I (more…) Smashing PumpkinsOctober 5, 2009
The full moon in Aries (natch) is making me insane, so this pumpkin-themed post might splatter all over the place, but I hope that by the end you’ll be satisfied anyway.
As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, I impulsively purchased a three-pack of canned pureed pumpkin and was jonesing to make something autumnal, (more…) Who's Your (Mack) Daddy?October 4, 2009
Seven months after the wham-bam one-night-stand and breakfast burrito with Aries, I returned to Taos for another writing retreat. Aries wasn’t registered, but since he lived close by, he stopped by for meditation one morning.
Because the retreat was silent, Aries didn’t greet me in that sexy voice of his; instead, he (more…) Wham Bam! Thank You, Burrito.October 3, 2009
The recent rainy weather makes me hungry for New Mexico sunshine. And mountains. And men. Make that one man. Aries.
The morning after our mind-blowing one-night stand, Aries took me to The Bean to refuel before my flight home. I let Aries choose my entrée; after he placed the order, the cashier passed (more…) Canuks Take The CakeOctober 2, 2009
Today I planned the menu for my INSATIABLE launch party. Then I picked out the frock I’m going to wear: it’s black, it’s tight, it’s a wrap (dress). Very fluttery and feminine. I’ve only worn it once before…on a date with Puck.
I remember that dress for two (more…) Cum And Get ItOctober 1, 2009
As I’ve mentioned one or two or a million times, it’s been a while since…um…my doughnut was stuffed (I just found that phrase on Urban Dictionary. Luv it!)
Not that I haven’t had opportunities to get laid. I still have my mojo. I’m just being more selective about (more…) Is That A Banana In Your Pocket...Or Are You My Brother-In-Law?September 30, 2009
Forgive me, readers, for getting distracted in yesterday’s post with my Shrink visit. Going to therapy can make you feel very crazy (is that a sign of a good or a bad therapist?) and I had to get that crap off my chest. (As for the junk in the trunk, it’s still (more…)
My Hot Little (Bread) BoxSeptember 28, 2009
Warning: never, ever Google “Mexican banana split.”
(I know you’re doing it right now, you naughty readers! You are SO going to regret it.) When I made aforementioned mistake, I didn’t click on any of the accompanying YouTube videos, but I gleaned that said banana split involves a bodily fluid that should (more…) Black Magic BakerSeptember 27, 2009
I’ve been bingeing.
No, not on food. (Though I’m known to do that, too.) On music. Listening to tunes satisfies me almost as well as eating does (though neither compare to getting laid, of course). When I’m being smart and respecting myself, I’ll feed my love hunger with music instead (more…) Little Boy Blue, Let Me Blow Your HornSeptember 26, 2009
Every night, I go for a walk with the Man of the House, a.k.a. Tito, my poodle.
(Don’t laugh! He’s incredibly macho. He WILL bite your head off. Especially if you whiz by on wheels of any kind.) Last night, the weather was balmy and just right; not hot, not (more…) Kissing HistorySeptember 25, 2009
Sinatra got it wrong. A kiss is never just a kiss. A kiss is a corporeal form of connection. Communication. Communion.
Kisses, as quirky as the participants, as unique as fingerprints. My first kiss was in the second grade lunch line. That day, fate arranged us alphabetically in reverse. I was still a Veldey, (more…) The Turtle Cheesecake And The Hairy EyeballSeptember 24, 2009
EconMan has been on my mind lately, namely because he’s a big part of my memoir INSATIABLE...and he doesn’t know it. Yet.
This year, on my 28th birthday, I received the news that INSATIABLE was available for pre-order on Amazon. I immediately e-mailed all my peeps to inform them. EconMan replied (more…) A Sweet MistakeSeptember 23, 2009
I made Brown Noser Brownies today. Just licking the batter from the spatula, I knew I was in for a treat. The ooey-gooey melted chocolate was heavenly on my tongue. It was almost TOO sugary. Almost. (Desserts, unlike men, can never be too sweet.)
While the brownies were baking, I typed the step-by-step instructions (more…) Is It Cold In Here? Or Are You Norwegian?September 22, 2009
I forget my Dad’s birthday. Every year. It’s become an inside joke amongst my family because no one (not even my mom, who was married to my dad for 13 years) can remember which day in September it falls on.
One year, fed up with my own forgetfulness, I made sure to mark (more…) A Rotten EggSeptember 21, 2009
Several years ago, I was a non-degree seeking student in a prestigious MFA in Creative Writing program. Twenty-four hours before presenting my first polished piece to my classmates, I freaked. My peers were light years beyond me, literarily, and I desperately wanted desperately to impress them.
The menacing monster of self-doubt, Monkey Mind, started (more…) One Buff BananaSeptember 20, 2009
I’ve been going to the same gym for years, and there’s a guy whose path I cross on a regular basis, no matter what time of day I happen to be pumping iron (does he LIVE there? Or do I?).
I affectionately think of my favorite muscle man as Yellow Pants Man (more…) Piece of My HeartSeptember 19, 2009
Goodbyes are not always bad, right? I mean, “good” is half the word!
And yet…I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of bad “goodbyes” lately. Since the conception of this blog, I’ve gotten the kiss-off from at least four men. To be fair to MAN EATER, two of (more…) Puck OffSeptember 17, 2009
Tuesday morning, fresh and flush from my workout, I sat down to my laptop with a cup of Yogi tea. There was a Facebook alert: “Puck has sent you a message.”
My heart leaped. I clicked. My gut sank. Be careful what you wish for and all that crap. To paraphrase (though I shouldn’ (more…) No Super Gyro HereSeptember 16, 2009
As I said in yesterday's post, I haven’t been able to go back to my favorite Mediterranean restaurant because my crush, Greek Hero, never called me. I miss the gyros a lot, but my ego refuses to take another hit, so I decided to replicate the recipe at home.
Mistake. When in Greece, (more…) Pucked Over...AgainSeptember 14, 2009
It’s been five days since I sent the first hardcover copy of INSATIABLE to Puck. Included in the package was a card in which I poured my Pucking heart out about how I still have him under my skin two years post break-up.
His reaction? Nada. Nothing. Zip. The sentiments expressed in the (more…) Happy Pucking BirthdaySeptember 13, 2009
Forget making whoopie. Just Puck Me.
I'm talking pies, people. And these ones were created for a certain Virgo turning 30-something today. Puck Me pies are a pair of strawberry marshmallows melted between two giant sugar cookies and dunked in melted German chocolate. It doesn’t get more indulgent than that. The name comes (more…) The Cheese Stands AloneSeptember 11, 2009
I attended a funeral recently where a speaker urged everyone in attendance to reexamine the stories we base our lives on and reevaluate if they’re true or not. This topic was somewhat serendipitous, as I’d just written a post about my “unworthiness” theory that seems to drive my seductress behavior. I wondered (more…)
Game On!September 10, 2009
Today marks the start of the 2009 NFL season.
One of my former lovers (I’m embarrassed to say I don’t recall who!) once told me that men “are always going for the touchdown.” Touché! You’d think football would be right up Man Eater’s alley: guys in tights, jerseys that emphasize the (more…) Sex And The Cynic (On A Stick)September 8, 2009
I have so much sex, all the females in my family are jealous.
Made you look! (Err…read.) I’m not talking sex sex. I’m talking “Sex and the City”, also known as the greatest television show ever. I bought the entire collection of SATC DVDs as a reward to myself a couple (more…) Dirty BastardSeptember 6, 2009
I had a dream last night that some fellow food writers e-mailed me to say, “Erica, please keep your blog light and happy. No more angry posts.”
Then I woke up. Alone. Reality bites. You readers don’t expect Man Eater to be all sugar and spice and everything nice, do you? Because it (more…) Get Your Ass To MassSeptember 4, 2009
Earlier this week, I had an attack of conscience (yes, I have one) when The Mexican asked me to help him pay for and chauffer our daughters to Sunday school.
What’s my beef with religious education? I consider myself a recovering Catholic. Brought up in the Unitarian faith (which is an oxymoron if (more…) How To Lose A Guy In 10 DaysSeptember 3, 2009
Blog.
That’s it. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day. …ok, I’ll elaborate. It used to be that the worst thing you could say to a guy was that you don’t give head; now the blow job debate is unnecessary. One blog post, even with excessive pseudonym use, is enough to (more…) Going Bananas In BedSeptember 2, 2009
Breakfast in bed is a foreign concept to me.
As a marathon runner, I find the only way to be consistent with my workouts is to get up, whip off the nightgown, and slip right into my running gear. After a cup of coffee and an orange, I’m out the door. Lately, my (more…) Cut Versus Uncut: What Women WantSeptember 1, 2009
You wouldn’t guess it from the content on this website, but I once had aspirations of becoming a marriage and family therapist. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Then I got divorced and realized I wasn’t that interested in helping others achieve happily-ever-after. Instead, I found a job working at a residential treatment (more…)
An Insatiable EgoAugust 31, 2009
You are what you eat. This is why Saturday night finds me at home alone, slaving over the stove, on a ridiculous mission to make humble pie.
Why humble pie? Because last week, I tried to build two friendship bridges…albeit with seductress lumber glued together with sticky manipulation. Both bridges burned before construction (more…) I Like To WatchAugust 30, 2009
Here’s a novel sensation for me: emptiness.
Life has been so quiet the past few days as things have slowed down on the seduction front. No, not slowed—they’ve come to a complete halt. (I don’t know why I’m complaining. Feast or famine is SO how I operate in every (more…) Love At First BiteAugust 29, 2009
As a self-employed writer, I spend a lot of time at home. A LOT. Like 23 hours a day.
My work station is currently at the dining room table, facing the street, which means I’m always abreast of the comings and goings of my neighbors, especially the one directly opposite me: Townhome Hunk. He’ (more…) If The Buddha BakedAugust 28, 2009
Believe it or not, I go to church occasionally (a girl’s gotta repent, after all). Even more incredible, I pay attention. One sermon I remember well is that life is a classroom and God, as the teacher, will continue to put you in the same situation over and over until you learn your (more…)
It's Not Easy Being GreenAugust 27, 2009
The Mexican’s recent engagement is making me feel even more divorced. I don’t know why, considering that I never had any aspirations of reconciliation. I think we had that conversation...once. It lasted about five minutes. My life as a divorcee is so different from my former life as a wife, the (more…)
There's No Wrong Way To Make WhoopieAugust 26, 2009
In honor of Intoxicating Artist, who is probably fucking his wife's brains out after all the sexual energy I aroused in him(you're welcome, Mrs. Artist), I, too, spent the day making whoopie. Whoopie pies, that is.
I’ve wanted to make the muffin-like cookie and marshmallow creations since I saw them in O (more…) Dessert or Disaster?August 25, 2009
Dessert is my forte. Love? Not so much. My status quo in that department is disaster. This weekend was no exception.
I woke up on Sunday morning, my heart full of hope and my attitude as bright as the sun outside. “Ahh,” I thought. “Today’s the day Intoxicating Artist will call to do (more…) Fudging The Truth?August 24, 2009
I was supposed to have a date on Friday night. Was I excited? Not exactly. Was I nervous? Abso-fucking-lutely. I always freak myself out before meeting someone new, even if we’ve already chatted extensively online and especially when he’s read my blog and still wants to date me!
I’m going to (more…) Don't Make Promises You Can't EatAugust 23, 2009
So...I said I was done with this adultery stuff...but...sigh. Never say never. Just when one of my twins chooses the straight-and-narrow path, the other one puts on her running shoes and sprints off down the thorniest path she can find.
My posts have been 48 hours behind reality every day this week ( (more…) How You Like Them Apples?August 21, 2009
Intoxicating Artist is a pussy.
That's my conclusion after waiting 48 agonizing hours for him to “keep me posted” about our pending BBQ. I pulled out every cock teaser trick in the book to no avail. First, this message: "I just talked to God. He approved the BBQ, as long as apples are not involved. (more…) Sugar ShockAugust 20, 2009
From my blog to God’s ears!!!
Less than 24 hours after aforementioned family dinner, Intoxicating Artist posted on Facebook that his wife and daughters have left town. (Coincidentally, I’ll also be kid-free for the next week.) Bye-bye ball-and-chain! Hello, mistress me! I resisted responding to Intoxicating Artist’s post for about, oh, 10 minutes. (more…) Who Wants Seconds?August 19, 2009
“Open the window,” my 6-year-old, Hannah, said on the drive to the Dakota County fair on Sunday.
“Why?” I asked, cueing up our current favorite song, “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. “Because it’s good luck for Prince Charming.” “I don’t know about that,” I said. “I think I’d scare (more…) Can You Keep A Secret?August 15, 2009
I haven’t kissed anyone in seven months. SEVEN MONTHS, people! I wonder if my lips even pucker anymore. The mouth is mostly muscle; is it possible mine could atrophy? The other day I smiled for no reason (actually, for a very good reason: I realized how blessed I was) and it felt like (more…)
Kiss and TellAugust 9, 2009
Note to self: do not eat chocolate. It makes you cry. Especially not Hershey’s kisses. Yeah, yeah, it’s just a catchy name for chocolate. But that name has meaning, damn it! And because milk chocolate could never compare to real kisses (dark chocolate comes closer), you continue to eat the kisses in (more…)
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