THE MEALS

“I’m in the pleasure business when I’m a chef…I’m not your dietician, your ethicist, your priest…I would marginally like it if you have a better chance of getting laid after dinner. Beyond that, you’re on your own.”

--Anthony Bourdain



INSTRUCTIONS TO THE COOK

• Consider these recipes guidelines. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Like love, the best food happens unexpectedly and by accident.

• Most of these recipes will make enough food for two very hungry people (or two not-so-hungry people, plus lunch for the next day). If you need more, make more. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be!

• I like it hot (they say spicy foods make for a better lover). In my opinion, everything tastes better topped with Frank's RedHot sauce or Dijon mustard.

• To reduce fat and cholesterol in the baked goods recipes, replace oil with equal amounts of unsweetened applesauce.

• Feel free to substitute reduced fat (but not fat-free) cheeses, mayonnaise, and milk in any of the recipes.

• You can freeze most of the recipes. They’ll still taste good two weeks—even two months!—down the line.

• You can cook the meat on the grill, in the oven, or on the stove—it’s a matter of taste and tenderness. I’m lazy and I like my meat juicy, so I lean toward the oven.

• Recipes are categorized by the man (below) or by the meal course (at left)

UPDATE: I'm cooking more than my website can handle! Recipes without photographs will now be posted in Word document format.

PUCK










SEX-STARVED SINGLE GIRL











SLUMP BUSTER


IRISH EYES


C'MON KID


MUSIC MENSCH


MONTREAL MEN


PUNK BLOGGER


MYSTERY MAN


FIRE WRITER




BRAISER BABE





INTOXICATING ARTIST











Eat Me

MY LITTLE INDIAN




MARATHON MAN


GORILLA GUY



PRIVATE GUMBY



TOWNHOME HUNK



JAIL BIRD




Open Wide

FOODIE DUDE


ADORABLE DORK



DR. HOTTIE


ARIES






MEDIATOR MOGUL


PUMPKIN EATER




ECONMAN





And You Thought Eve Was Naughty...

PROFESSOR ORANGE


BANANA MAN


THE MEXICAN



FUCK BUDDY


SWIMMER STUD


CAPTAIN CRUSH


Nothing Beats A Hot Wiener!

"When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste."

--Laiko Bahrs


My #1 Turn-On: A Guy With Groceries

Note: Food photographed may not be exact replica of recipe.

THE MEALS

Side Dishes
Man-Made Mashed Potatoes
If a guy is going to turn you into mashed potatoes, the least he can do is feed you these beforehand.
Nut-Stuffed Bacon Dates
My hot dates, your hot nuts, all rolled up in bacon. What more could you ask for?
Sweet Potato Fries and Spicy Chipotle Mayo
If you are what you eat, he was a sweet couch potato and I was too hot to handle.
Main Course: Seafood
Something's Fishy Tacos
If a guy seems too good to be true, he probably is. Seafood, on the other hand...
Mussel Man Marinara
Puck was the one who taught me to suck...mullusks, that is.
One Night Stand Tuna Tartare
I don't recommend serving this raw...salamonella poisoning is so NOT sexy!
Seal The Deal Salmon
You already know what's on the menu for dessert!
Dessert
Canadian Pound (Me) Cake
Serve before or after getting pounded by your favorite Canadian.
Puck-N-Speedy Pecan Pie
Pecans and chocolate go together like...Puck and Speedy!
Post-Coital Coconut Popsicles
Guaranteed to cool you down after a hot stint in the sack!
Puck Me Pies
Forget making Whoopie (pies)! These chocolate-dipped marshmallow cookie sandwiches will rock your world.
Hex Your Ex Dough Boy
Punch him down. Cut him up. Fry him in hot oil. Eat his heart out. Bastard.
Edible Orgasms
Waiting for Mr. Right? It could be a while. Eat dessert now.
Makin' Bacon Brownies
Two foods already sinful separately combine for orgasmic, greasy, brownie bliss.
Watermelon Cake
Watermelons and men: I like 'em cut
Eat Dirt Cupcakes
When he treats you like dirt, treat him to one of these.
Peanut Butter Temptations
Dough so sinfully delicious, it might not make it into the oven. Willpower required.
Hot & Easy Apple Pie
Eve had nothing on me. How you like them apples?
Fantasy Fudge
Men rarely live up to the fantasy, but fudge is always better in real life.
Broken Heart Tart
He broke your heart. Don't let him ruin your appetite, too!
Makin' Whoopie (Pies)
I like to make a lot of whoopie. Be prepared for leftovers.
Devil in a Red Dress Torte
It doesn't get any sexier than red velvet cake smothered in cherry pie filling!
Celibacy Sustaining Cinnamon Rolls
The next best thing to...well, you know.
Better Than Sex Chocolate Cake
This will take you all day to bake...but if you're single, who cares?
Bachelor's Buttons
If you bake them, he will come.
Brown Noser Brownies (For Him) & Blondies (For Her)
If this doesn't win him over, nothing will!
Touchdown Bars
Haven't scored in a while? Go for the touchdown (bars).
Dangling the Carrot Cake Ring
You can't have your cake and eat it, too.
Birthday Girls Don't Get Fat Cheesecake
Weight gain is no excuse for skimping on your girlfriend's celebration!
Green Eyed Monster Cookies
Envious of your ex's new honey? Bake your envy away!
Breakfast
Unrequited Love Muffins
You can't make him love you, but you CAN make love muffins!
Six Inches of Bliss
If you don't have a man, chocolate cherry crepes are the next best thing.
Banana Split Pancakes
I go bananas for breakfast in bed.
Following the Crumbs Pumpkin Apple Cake
He drops crumbs; I make crumb cake. This calls for a coffee date.
Sweetheart Scones
Nothing naughty here; just wholesome breakfast food.
Platonic Popovers
So savory, they make any man melt like butter.
Can You Keep A Secret? Crescents
The secret inside these smile-shaped pastries? Chocolate kisses. Sweet.
(I Am Not A) Hoe Cakes
How do you like your hoe (cakes)? As with porn, you can choose between the hard or soft version of this recipe.
The Perfect Man Cake
With the winning combo of sweet and savory flavors, this Man Cake satisfies every single time.
Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am Breakfast Burrito
Hearty enough that you won't need seconds.
The Morning After Eggs Benedict
Baked in the oven! Less time at the stove = more time between the sheets.
Main Course: Pasta
Shut Up And Eat It
Has MAN EATER made you lose your appetite? This will wake your tastebuds up.
Main Course: Meat
Humble Pie
You are what you eat. Feed your hungry ego.
Sex On A Stick
Man needs food. Woman needs fire.
New York Strip Already! Steak
Guaranteed to get your mate naked when served with Butter(milk) Me Up Onion Rings!
Gamey Break-Up Burger
A last supper for your now-insignificant other.
Get Layered Pizza
It's complicated.
Main Course: Chicken
Kick-Ass Crispy Chicken
For when you want to make a good first impression!
Bread

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